life with a soundtrack

annnnddd

2012-02-12T19:31:00.002-05:00

To add to the below...nothing brings me down more than feeling more positive and having someone remind me of my faults in a relationship. Someone that means well, and wants to point things out but it makes me feel absolutely horrible and ruins all the positive thoughts that actually were going through my mind.

Doesn't sound like a big deal, but it really is...takes a lot to get me feeling positive about my life, about myself, a lot of work, and something so little from someone I consider to be a friend and generally respect the opinions of, is hurtful. And damaging.

Because, no one is perfect. I know what my faults are, I can see what the faults of others are. I have made a large effort to change my issues, but most of them manifest in relationships and dating, both of which I don't have much to do with. So it's going to be trial and error. I have no options in that.

rambling post of annoyance

2012-02-12T14:14:00.002-05:00

No people. You don't know what goes on in my head.

The 2 sides of me. One wants a man in her life, a companion of the opposite sex. The other thinks that I forget what it was like and it'll be too much of a pain in the ass as it's been in the past.

I don't like dating. So truthfully, recently I haven't bothered. A friend was all gung ho about fixing me up with someone she knows, but that seems to have fallen through for whatever reason....and truthfully, that's about as much dating related stuff as I can manage, or really want right now. Although there is some brief communication between he and I, it's not something I can do on my own, and frankly, I won't. No more running after men who are disinterested or unavailable. And that I've never even met, I mean, that's supposed to be the whole purpose of fixing people up, isn't it?

I have no interest in the dating sites, I have no interest in dating services/speed dating I just figure that the more I chase after something the further away it will get.

A friend says that I am wishing something never happens with a man with my attitude and that I just don't realize it. Except, I think that she and I have a different idea of what what we want in a man. What she has for the most part I would find smothering. That doesn't mean that I want nothing. It doesn't mean I don't want someone to love and love me, it just means my criteria are different from hers. And that I really really really don't need someone in my life.

Because believe me, if I needed someone, they would be here. They would be completely and utterly wrong for me, and I'd probably be miserable, but I wouldn't be alone.

I'm not prepared to give in to that trade off.

So. I've been single for 7 years. And sometimes don't feel that will ever change, but am truthfully, really much more thankful for my life the way it is alone then miserable with the wrong guy.

When I watch my attached friends, I know that's it's not all perfection and there is so much that can be messed up. Even in the seemingly good relationships there is dysfunction. Do those people see it? Some do, some don't....I prefer being self aware enough to know that just plain being in a relationship is not enough to counteract possibly being miserable.

I'm trying to live now. And not look to the future. I have the past down pat. It's the past. Period. Gone, over with, no use crying over spilled milk and ruining my current life. No, I'm not always the happiest I could be. But I also no longer feel unhappy, and that's a huge improvement over, say, last year at this time.

I'm good with that.

new year

2012-01-02T18:05:00.000-05:00

it's the new year.

yey.

whatever.

are we done yet?

2011-12-27T19:16:00.004-05:00

Goddamned Christmas is gone, #10 or 11 alone, I can't recall. Misery, I had to stay away from Facebook for a few days, I was ranty, everyone was gloatingly happy and shiny.

Now the next hurdle, New Year. No matter how I try, make plans, go through with the plans, I end up crying at the end of the night while I watch the couples around me. And crabby. And nasty.

I'm tired. I don't want to make any efforts for other people. I just want to hide away in my little hole, but yet I force myself. Which is, frankly, hell. But I force myself.

2011-12-05T23:29:00.002-05:00

Ever have one of those regretful days?

When you regret every word that comes out of your mouth, flying from your fingers, every decision made, every choice?

I'm having a day like that.

I can't even list out what I regret today. Number one currently though is not doing what I wanted to and moving. I should have left town. Now it's a double regret. 20 years ago I didn't and then a year ago I didn't. Both had their own situations. I had my reasons for both. But I'm still here and I still don't want to be, but at this point, I'm too damned tired and too damned old to make that move. I don't have it in me. So, I'll just be regretful.

I regret getting married. I regret the guy after my marriage. I pretty much regret any man post marriage, period. With exception of probably one, who was a nothing more than sex man, but for whatever reason I don't understand sought me out to keep in touch with me a year or so after I disappeared from his life (my life was mixed up and pretty much shit at the time, I so did him a favor). It will never be anything, but I don't regret him, nor was he a bad experience to me at all. And he's a nice enough dude, with exception of reminding me of the good things about my ex husband, which is semi-creepy and ok at the same time. Again, nothing there.

I just feel lost. Again. I can't keep hold of anything in my life. My house is a mess, my job is chaos, I have no desire to see most of my friends because they're driving me insane, I can't stand anything right now.

Am I depressed? No. I think I see yet another year coming to a close, end result the same, nothing changes, superficially it does, but deep down, I'm in the same rut I was last year at this time, just considerably more unencumbered (last year was hell). Each year should get better, I make the effort for it to get better, but it doesn't, the shit just continues. My bad luck, karma, whatever it may be. I have no clue anymore.

I know nothing anymore. No pill will cure this, no person will help it, it's up to me, and I just no longer have the energy to bother.

people

2011-12-04T19:44:00.003-05:00

I don't understand why people float in and out of our lives. Are they there to teach us some sort of a lesson?

I have so many examples that would take way too long to explain. When it comes to men, a friend has a theory that I'm the backburner girl, that's why they return. No man that I actually like is focused on me, more so on themselves. In some cases I can see that possibly, but in others no.

There are people I feel have left me with no lessons whatsoever. Friends that are no longer friends, men that are no longer prospects (well really none of them can be called prospects...they either like me to the point i really want nothing to do with them or I have interest and theirs in me is incredibly minimal, never any common ground there).

What's their purpose? I fail to see it. That I pick the wrong people as boyfriend prospects and friends? Well...enough already. Universe, how about proving to me that people aren't crazy or just plain horrible??? How would that be for a change? Because honestly, all that's proven to me day after day in my dating life is that either I'm not worthy or they're not worthy. In terms of friendships, I'm sent people who are broken that I don't want to help fix...and so I shoo them away.

The point? I have no idea.

I sometimes wonder if my last day on earth will be filled with the following. Why?

I understand none of it.

what to do

2011-11-27T12:24:00.001-05:00

I don't see the point to this blog anymore. I no longer come on here and write anything and if I do it's only to vent and whine.

And recently anyway, I'm so disjointed nothing will make an ounce of sense anyway.

Why bother?

long overdue ramblings

2011-11-06T21:23:00.003-05:00

Well hello world. I've neglected this poor blog, and probably, truthfully, I shouldn't.

Instead of blogging, I've been overburdening an internety/bloggy/facebooky friend, who really, has more than enough of her own issues to deal with. Thing is, I think perhaps because we are equally overthinkey...she manages to make sense to me. Unusual. And she's really good on analyzing the men. Excellent. For which I thank her profusely. Because I am SO not!

It's a busy world out there. I'm working a lot. I'm internet meeting men, but that's not going so fantastically, I don't think. I don't know. I met one in person yesterday, but he's now got a friend visiting from out of town, so I won't hear from him as much for the next couple days, so I'm not sure how that went. Well on his end.

Oh yeah, note that I'm a bit drunk. I'm helping a friend of mine with some empty wine bottles for some vino he's making. Um. Yeah. Helping as in drinking them til they're empty.

My house is a mess, I need a cleaning lady, I need a maid, I need someone to keep me organized. I am useless.

Work makes me wonder if I'm even remotely capable...I live in wonderment that I am actually in this job and that I'm trusted to do it. I'm amazed.

Photography has slowed incredibly. I've had no time. I'm exhausted.

And well. That's it pretty much. There's alot going on in my head, my self esteem is still taking a hit here and there, sadly related to men, and I'm trying to correct that. I know fully well that I don't need a man in my life, but dammit, I really do want one. My lonelies are hard to deal with.

Oh life. How it plays with me.

welcome to the complaint department.

2011-08-04T21:33:00.003-04:00

Well this is another blog submission in which I complain. Which, face it, has to be why you keep coming back because god knows I'm so fucking good at it.

And swearing. I excel at swearing :D

So today I decided it was the day that I was going to ask a dude to go out with me and he said no. It's a thing I was given for work, to a sports event, I have absolutely no courage in the men regard and was all prepared, then forgot, then had to do it via text, then got shot down.

Am I blind? Am I unable to tell if someone is flirting with me? Am I just the fat girl no one wants?

Well no one that I would want wants me, this I now for absolute certain!

For all the "you're greats" and "you're fabulous" comment, and all the "you're single?" comments, the fact remains that indeed I am.

And I'm now officially tired of it.

so this experience has slapped me down rather nicely and I will certainly never do that again, this I can tell you for free.

2011-07-08T23:43:00.002-04:00

I'm done again. I can't do this anymore. I can't be someone's crutch.

2011-07-06T22:49:00.001-04:00

one more notice of "so & so is now in a relationship with bla bla bla" and I scream.

K?

7 years alone & counting. 7. 7.

Shoot me.

Canadian, Please

2011-07-01T23:48:00.000-04:00

In honor of Canada Day, I present you with this :)

feelin' the heat

2011-06-09T23:42:00.002-04:00

So we're roasting here. Hello Montreal. No middle ground, just freezing your ass off in winter & drowning in snow, or dying in heat & humidity (it was the equivalent to 104F yesterday here with 70% humidity in case you Yanks don't get the 40C sitch). I think that rivals the weather in bloody Vietnam or something. Just gross.

It's festival season, I do not like shooting music festivals, so I have 3 band/singer songwriter interviews lined up for the next week. Fun fun.

The below post was premature. I can't go into anything really, because truthfully, I never want him to find this & be embarrassed by it. So really, all I can say is, I enjoy him, he enjoys me, nothing other than getting to know each other is happening (not that we wouldn't want more to happen but for certain reasons that's not possible) and I am waiting very impatiently. But I am thinking it just might be worth it :) which would be really nice.

We're hanging tomorrow night. Going to take some pictures. Should be good. We always enjoy time spent together.

Work is somewhat akin to insanity currently, I have more work then I know how to deal with, I don't think I can realistically stay at work as long as I should need to in order to accomplish everything I have to do, but I still like it, so a;ll of that is moot. One day at a time.

Essentially one day at a time is my mantra. For work, for him, for life.

rewind

2011-06-08T00:45:00.002-04:00

I am so out of practice with this stuff. I'd forgotten, or maybe I never knew, that one has to open up and talk to people in order to get things out in the open and solved.

Thankfully, I'm dealing with someone that is an excellent communicator and does't sugar coat anything (ie no lies. really. not even if something would hurt me).

So. Things seem to be making some progress. There's nothing going on (literally) but everything all at that same time. It feels ok.

2011-06-05T12:19:00.002-04:00

See. I knew this would happen. I would upset myself. Again. As I do every time someone is of interest to me.

I can't solve his issues, I can't force him to do what he wants to and is too afraid to do. I can't make anything happen in any timeline, especially not mine.

So it's time to give up. Back off entirely. Forget about it. Forget about him. Because it's not giving me what I want.

Not that I'll get what I want anyway. But whatever. That's for another post. Or not. Whatever the case may be.

I'm so sad. So so so so sad.

call me little miss neglectful

2011-04-24T22:43:00.002-04:00

I know. I'm never around anymore.

Quick run down of the insanity I call a life -

- Job - I love it but dammit I'm busy & I could frankly live at work

- Photography, not doing as much as in the past, but trying.

- dudes - well, I don't ever want this guy to find this & kill me, so I'll abstain from commentary other than, I really like this guy & it's not as bad as I thought (his situation that is).

- Pets are all happy.

that's it for now, I promise to write something more detailed later this week.

2011-04-13T04:22:00.003-04:00

I hate my neighbors. And I hate their Demon Spawn.

2am woken by screeching. One of the horrid children. Now I'm awake, it's 4 am, I'm waiting for dye release on my henna, because I might as well do my hair while I'm awake and it needs doing.

Joy. I have a huge meeting and lots of work to do tomorrow (today). Naturally.

Umm. My little friend from my last post? Well, I've found out more info on the subject, it's not as bad as I thought, and well, we're just getting to know each other I guess. Nothing more. He's got to do what he has to do & I enjoy him. So, that's how it is. He enjoys me too. That much is obvious.

So we'll see what happens there. All I know is I love hearing from him & talking with him :)

Otherwise I'm incredibly overwhelmed at work. I'm not sure what in hell I'm doing half the time, there's way more work than there is time in a day. I'm doing what I can.

what am I doing?

2011-04-04T20:30:00.002-04:00

Ok I'll preface this with - I know I shouldn't do this I am setting myself up for a huge fall. I know.

Back up a bit. I'm on the tweet thing for my photography. I'm not going to explain it, but it's gotten me a lot of exposure with the bands & the PR companies & record labels.

I've also done alot of networking with local photogs - one in particular I meet at alot of the shows.

Anyway she knows another part-time photog & apparently he & I are very much alike. So she's been telling us we need to meet. Like, repeatedly. Well finally, we were supposed to meet at a thing, but ended up inadvertently meeting a few days earlier at a photography thing. Talked when we realized who each other were, nice guy, walked me out and off we went knowing we'd see each other again later in the week.

Met at the thing, had a blast, were both taking photos, person who wanted us to meet was dead chuffed we got along like she said we would. He took off early, but he also works early, knew we'd run into each other later on.

Got added on the evil FB, chatted etc etc. Were at another thing in common the other day, where, for the first time (this is after sending me many msgs), I find out he has a girlfriend (he made sure I knew, said it to someone else in my earshot). Live in one. For god's sake. I get the drift it's not happy, but .... geeeez.

Well. I know I shouldn't but I'm continuing to message back & forth with him. He usually initiates, it's alot about photography, but it's sort of teasingly flirtatious (he's french, I'm lucky I can flirt in english so take that for what it's worth).

Why oh fucking hell why is someone I actually get along with, have alot in common with, why is he goddamned taken??????????? GAH!!! We chatted for HOURS the other day, I just don't know what in hell to think anymore.

Is it me choosing these unavailable people? I mean is this what I give off? God knows, all the last dates I have had were men who essentially, for lack of a better way to put it, said they would sleep with me but that I wasn't good enough for a relationship in their eyes.

I know I need my independence, but I do want someone just on the side? well no, I'm a pretty serious girl, who will make time for the right person.

I don't want to be someone's bit on the side.

But I can feel it. Looking forward to his messages. Tonight he popped up on chat (I'm glued to my computer trying to get my backlog of photos taken care of). I feel my stommach flip. It's stupid and I'm really setting myself up for a fall, I know it, but I think he's a nice guy!!!

And he's so totally not my type to boot.

What the hell am I doing?

I'm not thinking, that's for sure....

2011-03-27T16:26:00.001-04:00

last night's post was brought by angst & disappointment.

Not has changed today, but it's a bit brighter because the sun is out.

Talk to me when it goes down. :)

my life recently in bullet form

2011-03-13T12:24:00.003-04:00

Yes. I am that busy.

- I have to go to a baby shower this afternoon, pretend that I don't know who the father is and listen to women ooing and cooing over baby shit. I hate these things. My uterus wants to curl up & die every time.

- My dating life sucks shit, yet another pointless date in which the guy totally expresses interest after a great time had by all, then sleeps on it and decides he probably only thought I was good to sleep with (I didn't but in future I mean) but not long terms so fuckit. I don't really think I give that off seeing as I expressly make sure they know I'm not into that sort of thing, but geezus christ that's probably the 3rd time this has happened in exactly that way. Fuckit, no more. I can't be bothered with this garbage, I hate it to start with and every date makes me hate it more and want to curl up and hide from the opposite sex. I am not made for dating. I do give up. Done. Just have my little crushes and admire from afar, no more "effort" (it can't be called that because I truly do date lazily anyway, no effort expended).

- The website I shoot for folded. Yep, back to the drawing board. And it folded because there was an internal coup, 3 or so guys opened their own website and took all the contacts for PR press etc with them. I hate people. I don't have faith in other human beings anymore. I'll be starting a photo/interview/review blog in an effort to go out on my own in that regard. REgistered the domain, have a website in the works, but, you know all my spare time & such....

- Obviously you've all heard about what has happened in Japan, I work for a Japanese company, head office in Tokyo, and this has both impacted our work because of damage to offices etc, but there's going to be human damage that no one is discussing & it upset me to think about. We had a Sendai office. Were our employees on the 4 missing trains? I have no idea and it makes me sick to the stommach to think about it.

Ok I have to go buy something for the baby in question at this shower I really don't want to go to.

This is one of those moments I wish I didn't know people that procreate.

yeah yeah yeah

2011-02-20T08:23:00.002-05:00

I'm still alive. I'm just busy. I have a date at 9 am on a Sunday, I think that indicates just how busy I am no????

New job has me completely wiped out, I'm pretty much only doing that & shooting shows, I don't have a lot of time for anything else.

On which note, shower, so I don't kill the guy I'm meeting.

god I do things last minute.

status quo

2011-01-29T14:27:00.001-05:00

Still busy

Still photographing

Still lonely as hell (aka still single)

Still working

That's about it. Write more when I have the energy.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-01-19T21:18:00.002-05:00

Warning. There will be swearing below.

Motherfuckinggod I have a hell of a lot of editing to do & 2 interviews to transcribe and then write about.

Not to mention, I started my new job on Monday.

One of my former employees jumped up & down when she discovered I would be her new boss, the other one's mood has vastly improved apparently. And the people I don't know seem really pleased. It's a really good thing :)

But the mess left by the guy they canned on Monday is something else, and I'm very overwhelmed by what's going on. But it's ok, I'll figure it all out, I know I will! The employees in general will keep me going, their smiles say it all, because there were none before!

***********

So in the past 5 days I've interviewed 2 bands & photographed 8. Done editing for 2, working on editing for 3, editing for others "manana baby".

I am insane.

But then that's it until Brad Paisley. Please keep your fingies crossed that Brad's people are progressive enough to allow web photographers. Puhleeeze, I want this so bad I can frigging taste it. I'm a total country music bumpkin, and Brad Paisley is king of my country world. Shooting him would be phenomenal.

Back to editing. I love you all, but trying to write comments...well they come out dumb. And then I feel dumb. And well....when I'm less tired k?

PS - I totally finished the house and the locks are changed and that's done. Took me til 2 am Monday night and I had 4 hours sleep before my 2nd day at the new job, but it's done. New life, feel free to begin now.

PPS - the guy checks in with me daily, haven't seen him again yet, but shortly he tells me. He should stop working so much!

updates & crap

2011-01-13T19:05:00.002-05:00

So yeah, the date - I've heard from him here and there, I thought my schedule was horrid, this dude's is worse (he said to me "told you" - I really didn't think anyone had a busier schedule than me - just ask Techno. He does. And well, 2 weekends in a row working. As well as working til 10 at night. We may never actually see each other again! But he has made it a point to get in touch with me, so that was *my* point.

_____________

I start back to work on Monday.

Why don't I tell you all the bullshit that went down?

Way back early summer, I had made a complaint at work. See, our director in my office (my boss, take note, was in Toronto, not Montreal) was having a wham bam thank you ma'am affair with the young HR person in our office.

Let me think for a sec. Director + HR = total huge monstrous conflict of interest. Info she has should not get to him & vice versa.

Now this affair has been going on for a while, but it had been stepped up to the point that the mid 50s director was behaving like a 14 year old high school boy with his first crush. It was ridiculous.

The entire office was talking about it, manager meetings were a HR person-palooza, she was the only one he spoke to, referred to, it wasn't only me that noticed.

But I was the only one with enough balls to complain.

So I did.

Nothing happened. Her boss came and told me that there's always talk when 2 people of the opposite sex are friends.

Yeah.

Note they go for lunch daily, they take multiple smoke breaks a day, he will actually leave a work related discussion because she texts him it's time, or she'll stand at his door with a "why aren't you ready" look on her face when having a discussion. If she was off, he managed to *cough**cough* be sick (and then I'd see him driving on the 40 in the direction of her home, considering his was in the complete opposite). I caught them in the parking garage in the basement as had others, sitting in his car in the parking lot, they were seen on weekends, if he wasn't able to be found, he was in her office or smoking with her.

Ridiculous behavior, and frankly, he was also not doing his job, getting nothing accomplished at all and getting angry when he wasn't kept in the loop about projects etc.

Note that nothing happened. They weren't even spoken to.

Another note, this is a huge American company that is run by it's legal department. Hrmmmm.

Fast- forward to July when a person with the same title as myself was hired in the Toronto office, the director & I were to have to work closely together - I was now only Eastern Canada not the whole of Canada. I informed my boss nothing had changed and unless something did, this would be impossible.

Yeah well. He had to make yet another complaint, and the shit hit the fan. Because MY BOSS told the director that it was me. So he knew, and the HR witch knew.

Nice one.

So I was being harassed by the director. Verbally, ignored, oh it wasn't pretty. I ended up being admitted to hospital for excessive blood pressure, and told to change jobs. Yeah Mr Doctor. Note I'm on blood pressure meds because I have issues due to heredity. Next day my own doctor who said the same about the job and gave me Ativan.

I had to take Ativan to go into that job.

HR Director showed with my boss one day, to discuss the harrassment (FINALLY! they were doing *something*) made things bearable with the director, but obviously my boss was biased (he's know the director for 35 years and is a friend) and they didn't believe me. Until another manager had a chat with the HR director and told her everything I said was true. And that it was stressful working under these circumstances.

But all of this "investigation" aside, I thought that they were going to try to get rid of me, it would take some time, but they'd manufacture something. I don't believe that legal ever heard of any of these complaints, from the affair to the harassment, I think it was all covered up nationally (legal is in the US).

Naturally, I could care less at this point about the job. But I will always do what I have to, but I had one eye on the jobs lists and another on what was happening around me.

Then it happened, the HR bitch found something she could pretend was a problem, manufacture a complaint concerning myself and another manager. The other manager had NOTHING to do with it, he told all the other managers this, and that it was retribution for the whole affair complaint. When they first interviewed me for it, I knew, I packed everything in my office up that was mine save for my tea & mugs etc, got it all home, and waited.

Meanwhile, I had contacted my former employer, I knew they were having issues in the office I used to work in, they had wanted me to be branch manager, but I had been at the other company too short a time at that point, so I had said no. I offered to go fill that position if they were looking to replace the current person. I was fairly certain they were going to take me up on it. Actually very confident (and they did).

So one day, I was asked to the HR bitch's office, and there were my boss and the HR director to get rid of me "legal decision" they said (more like they were afraid of me suing them) - I laughed in their faces told them they better have made it worth it. They did. Because you can get rid of anyone at any time as long as the price is right (yey Canada).

If I didn't already have the other job, I would have sued their asses off and made about 18 months of salary according to my lawyer, but I'm afraid with a job at a higher salary etc, it wasn't worth it.

Honestly, with the move etc, they did me a huge favor. I've had over a month and a half off, it's been wonderful, I'm relaxed, and I'm looking forward to going back to the other company, because I had just been told by some of my former employees how much they missed me, and for a company that never rehires someone that has left voluntarily, they hired me back first chance.

I am most disappointed in the employer who touts themselves as one of the best businesses to work for in Canada & the USA, but that burns their management out, screws their employees out of decent wages, and gets rid of anyone that might not agree with everything that's done, but hides it all from their legal department. Guaranteed, HR USA & legal don't know the half of it. I left there with 85 hours of time owed to me, that I had worked in overtime for them.

But I'm very pleased to be going back to work for this other company. I'll be treated with respect, the home country's entire culture is based on respect and they never treated me with anything but. Which is more than I ever got from that "wonderful" American company.

post-date

2011-01-10T21:07:00.003-05:00

So I had the date.

He's adorable. Very cute. And seemingly liked me. I liked him. Very much. We talked for hours, under the guise of "watching a movie" - which I'll have to re-watch because we talked through the whole thing.

Is he a player, just floating around and dating anyone/anything? Could be. What's going to come of this? I have no clue.

Sigh. I have no idea anymore. I am so bad at this. And I freak when I don't get contacted back and I second guess myself constantly. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

wee!

2011-01-07T10:55:00.003-05:00

I have a date tonight. And I'm excited about it.

I'll leave a pause for effect. Because I'm never excited about it.

And that's all this girl is saying at this point!

house hell

2011-01-03T14:57:00.002-05:00

I'm almost finished the house cleanage.

Yes. Applaud. I deserve it.

Although I really don't hate him, as I throw things out, I curse my ex husband, and dislike him just a little bit more each and every time I have to haul a garbage bag full of his shit to the curb. The things I've thrown away. I feel bad, but I no longer have time or patience to not just pitch it all.

As soon as it's done, I can really rest.

And I can't wait.

it is what it is

2011-01-01T12:45:00.003-05:00

Went to my comedy show last night with my friend. We had a great time, many laughs, best New Year I've spent in a long time.

Problem is.

I woke up this morning, still alone in bed except for a cat and a dog, still unhappy with my location, with a migraine, still feeling like the failure I sometimes feel like.

The flip of a page on a calendar does nothing to assuage the damage the past year has done to my psyche.

It's still there, I'm still surrounded by people but lonely in a way that hurts me to the very core, still missing my grannie and dreading the anniversary of her death, still moving out of that house.

Sometimes I don't feel like I remotely move forward. And I guess I don't.

let's say goodbye to this godforsaken year

2010-12-30T12:00:00.003-05:00

Anyone who actually knows me or has been reading knows how bad a year I've had. Well, some know more than others.

Deaths of important family members & pets, relationship death, insurance issues, house issues, work stress, friend stress, depression, financial issues, job problems.....it's been a peach. A juicy, stressful, peach.

So I am very glad to see the end of 2010. Oh yes I am.

So, a friend who has been very depressed lately is being taken by me to see a comedy show tomorrow night. They have the whole "finger food & champagne" thing as well as dancing after, not sure we'll hang around for that, but, my thought on the subject is that there will be no way better than to bring in the year, but by laughing. It's a much better option than last year's cry fest (even though it did occur in London UK!). And she can't afford it so it's my gift to her for being there for me this year. We're going to have a blast.

And I can stare at a little crush of mine, dude that flirted heavily with me when I met a friend at a martini bar downtown where I met a friend again for a comedy show. He was the host of the show, hot as hell, all blonde & blue eyed and tall, and I had made some sort of correction to something he said (god I'm right gobby bitch) and he came to talk (flirt) with me afterwards. Turns out we have friends in common, I'm also shooting comedy shows here and there so I added him on Facebook (almost typed Faceboob there), so I could go see him again maybe because he's funny. Which is how I found out about this comedy evening. See, it all makes sense!

Anyway. Move is almost done. Almost. I hope. Puhleeze???? geezus this is taking forever.

2010-12-26T17:32:00.002-05:00

So, the Christmas fall-out has begun.

My dad was bored at work and Googled me. My twitter feed came up. Which is fine, I don't hide in anything except this blog.

Except that I had said that I heard from none of my family about Xmas, I hadn't been invited.

He texted me asking why I said that, that they assume I'm going and that I'm expected there like everyone else. Well, I responded back because it was true. It is true. My sisters and my parents make plans and don't bother to inform me. I don't know if it's because they don't think, because my input doesn't matter as I'm single and therefore should just be able to do whatever everyone else wants me to, or that they just don't care, but they didn't inform me.

I had to ask my sister where it was. I can't drive back from Ottawa by myself, it's not possible, I fell asleep last time I did it alone, so I opt out of going to my other sister's place.

But the fact remains, I'm not a mind reader, how the hell am I supposed to know if no one tells me?

+++++++++++++++

In other news, I made it through Christmas day with very little issue. My friend came over for brunch, I cooked, we had a blast, a great chat, it was really very nice and I so miss that sort of thing.

I cooked all afternoon and then went to her family for Christmas. I know her whole family, so it was great, it's not my family, the things that irritate you about your own, of course are no issue to me.

Got my one and only gift there, one of those reed diffusers, I love those things...ocean smell...yummy.

+++++

So I'm cooking pea soup. Going to go back to the house (it's STILL not done) and then a jam night I don't feel like attending afterwards.

These are the days I force myself.

++++

In other news I'm going skiing with a friend probably next week. Really looking forward to it. First off I get to see him, secondly, we're going x country skiing. Yey.

Ok end of bla bla bla.

choices

2010-12-24T20:41:00.003-05:00

A year ago I was on an Air Canada plane, on my way to London. So looking forward to spending my holiday away from my family, away from everything that I disliked about my life.

It ended up not being the most enjoyable visit. Mostly due to the Brit and how much he upset me. I found out when I was over in June that he had a girlfriend at the time, guess that explains his distance. And how much he behaved like a jerk. I knew there had been something up. so I guess that wasn't much of a surprise when he laid it on me.

But the parts of that visit that I remember so vividly, loving the look of the light dusting of snow on the row houses around me, the quaint decorations (not gaudy like alot of them here are), the street markets up in Tottenham, the pubs, the London zoo. Walking around in my shoes & my fall jacket whilst it was -20C here. I loved it over there.

I still do.

And I sit here and wonder at the choices I've made in my life, how I'm sort of stuck here for now, dealing with THE here & now and the fallout that has ensued.

My depression due to my grandmother's death, that was very hard to deal with. I'm still not totally ok, but have learned to deal with it.

I still feel out of place in my life. Like the only thing I really do well is work. And that I do. Regardless of the opinion of my last company. Idiots. I'll blog about that later. I got my final settlement in my account. No fear.

I never got an invitation to my family for Christmas. Nothing. Nada. I asked. But no one called, no one emailed. At times when I've needed my family most, they have often failed me because they have no idea how to deal with me. Or what to say to me. They are perturbed by the things that happen in my life, or have happened, and how I deal with them (this year I didn't deal with anything very well). It comes out as criticism their concern. I've had words with both my sister and my father recently. It was necessary. But I figure it's left a terrible taste in their mouths.

I am not an easy person.

So I'm spending Christmas with someone else's family. Which does leave me feeling a bit messed up. A bit like an outsider (you think I'd be used to that by now).

And alone. I feel so very alone. Sitting here in my new place. Listening to all the families outside my door, having fun. Eating. The smells are to die for.

I haven't eaten anything since a banana this morning. And a few Lindt chocolates. I spent over a grand in the past few days, between replacing my cell phone after the "blackberry meets a cup of coffee" incident, getting a tv (I sold my old one, it was too big, this one is smaller and was very very cheap), a toaster, a hundred and something bucks on groceries, a new set of $600 pots and pans that were 70% off. Actually, I quite needed those.

I wish I could feel nothing like I did during the summer & in the fall, at the height of my depression. Right now I feel everything. Every ounce of hurt that is out there, I feel.

Doesn't help that super bunny Tao died the other day. In my arms. After a seizure. I am devastated. He was my favorite. I loved him so much.

I can't wait to see the end of 2010. I'm sure there will still be fallout in 2011, but I hope and pray that it's nothing like this year has been. I have lost more than any of you will ever know, because amazingly, what you read isn't the half of it. It's been a devastating year. In the words of my counsellor "it's a miracle you didn't collapse completely".

I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I'm all about owning what hand I had in some of the bad things, perpetuating them, making them worse than they could have been, but the counsellor said I had nothing inside me with which to deal with them.

Life is so complicated.

And this entry is so willy nilly.

There's something wrong about sitting with tears streaming down your face on Christmas Eve, isn't there?

But at least I can cry again.

is it over yet?

2010-12-20T13:45:00.003-05:00

19 years in a house is a long time.

It's also enough time to accumulate enough shit that you have no idea what to do with it. I've resorted to throwing anything away that isn't worth something. Essentially that's what I'm doing now. I no longer care.

If I don't want it and can't sell it, it's garbage.

I'm so tired of packing/unpacking/pitching etc, I cannot even tell you.

I'm currently on a break. It's been 2 solid weeks. And I have this teensy ickle bickle car that has a hatch (thankfully) but I can't fit everything into it at once, so trips home, trips to the storage place...it's hellish.

It has to be done by the end of the week. Both for my sanity & the person buying it.

My back is just on fire. But I have to keep going. Endless I tell you.

Anyhoodles.

The season I hate is upon me. Unloved & unwanted, I go into this thing on my own again. Except for the pets who I love so dear. But still. I'm tired of this. I'm hoping the "new life" I'm being given has that in store for me at some point, someone that loves me...not another one that takes & gives me nothing back.

I'm not going to my family on Saturday. It's at the sister's place, and I really can't drive back from Ottawa by myself in the dark, I have almost fallen asleep so often that I'm afraid. So the aforementioned brekkie in the previous post with my friend, and then I'm invited to her family (who I know well) for dinner with my potatoe contribution. And if I have time some sweeties as well. We'll see.

I am happy about it, and yet sad. I want someone to stay home with. My own company is fine and dandy, but the incredible lonelies are just killing me.

On the subject of the guy from the brekkie restaurant, he hasn't been seen since I resolved to give him my number. Yep. And that's the way my life rolls. Figures.

Job wise, something really good is working. I am very pleased about it. and will tell all when the time is right.

I do work well. I am shite at interpersonal relationships. I know I've said that before, but nothing is more clear to me at this very moment ... Seriously.

lonelies

2010-12-11T14:37:00.002-05:00

Although I'm feeling in a good place, pretty much, I have the major lonelies.

It's that time of the year again. The one that makes many singletons feel like complete & utter losers, because it's about family & love and all that shit I don't really have.

I've given my family a very hard time recently, rightly so in my opinion, they've been giving me a very hard time, either about the UK or moving, or money or whatever. Only my sister knows that I'm unemployed. My father would freak. Completely.

This is the scary part about being alone. Having no one to fall back on.

Year 10 being single at Xmas/New Year. Year 10 of being on my own.

I'll be staying home this year. With the move etc, although I have a free flat in London, I don't feel I should spend the money, and I was really hoping this wouldn't be the case, the aloneness, and the idea of going back there after what happened last year isn't a good thing.

Although being here isn't much better. Sigh.

My friend is coming over for breakkie, pressure to get this place up to speed (eek!) and then, that's all she wrote for me. I won't be doing anything else. Guess maybe I'll make myself a chicken.

This time of year always makes me sad.

******

Maybe someone out there can give me advice about a situation??? it's sort of related!

Couple weeks ago went out for breakfast with my friend, I saw her car thought she was already in the restaurant, rushed the door and this guy & I walked into each other. Looked up, way up (I'm tall, so this was a nice change) and the guy was quite cute, and held the door open for me.

Fast forward to being seated behind him, he was alone, and he kept checking me out. Did the same when he went to pay, shyly looking away.

So I asked the waitress about him, he's in a few times a week (so obviously single), usually alone or with male friends, branch manager for a bank. Oh so cute. Oh so shy. I like shy boys.

Anyway. She told me when he goes in etc etc etc and lo & behold, 2 weeks later, I saw him today.

But what in hell do I do? Does he remember checking me out. He looked at me very shyly again...then looked away. Like I told the waitress, it's not like I'm going to get the guts to walk up to the guy & give him my phone number (she said to give it to her lol!)

What do I do?

I feel like I'm in high school. Can you pass him a note for me? lol

and so it goes

2010-12-10T14:42:00.002-05:00

I sometimes feel I will never get that house empty.

Oh my god the SHIT, absolute SHIT that we accumulate over the years.

I am have to make a concerted effort to NEVER have that happen again. The place is a mess. I don't think we see what we live in at a certain point. I'm lucky it sold. The guy who bought it has a hell of a lot of work ahead of him. But that's what he does, so I guess it's ok.

Pitching, pitching, packing. Unpacking to make room for more boxes. My upstairs rooms are pretty empty, but I really have to lean down the amount of things I own. I did have a full house. Full of the things that one accumulates (ie furniture), but geezus.

I need to get it done before the week is over, before the sale closes, but again, my teensy car, alone, it's a bit difficult. I also have obligations.

Good thing I'm not working.

Yep. You read that. To top off the year from hell, I lost my job. I'll go into it the *moment* the settlement money hits my bank account. But not until then. Assholes. That's all.

But it's ok. I am fairly certain that I have something starting in January. Actually I'm positive I do.

And boy. Not working, you spend a hell of a lot less $$. Amazing that.

Back to the unpacking. I have a "visitor" tonight, so I want some curtains up, and to be able to move. :)

wishes

2010-12-04T17:02:00.003-05:00

So. I'm sitting here staring at the boxes and trying to get them to unpack themselves.

Not happening. Shocker :)

I love it here. I don't care that I am back to being able to hear my neighbors a little bit (it's concrete in between units, so it's not that bad), and that I have no idea what to do with everything I own, I'm just really happy here.

The house is still full of stuff, some is definitely coming with me, but I haven't had opportunity to pack it, some of it's going to the curb, some to storage. I can only do what I can do. Right?

Dogs are settling in. Rabbits have just been released after 2 days of being prisoners in their cages while I got the area ready for them. Foster bunner has a new "cavy cage" and my 2 are loose in my bedroom.

Hoping that everyone stays clean, that I don't have to smell anything nasty in here (I have a dog that is a pee-er - soon I hope when he gets anti-depressants that'll stop).

Hope for the best. Right?

Anyhoodles. Off I go to get dinner with a friend. must go check on the bunners first.

I am old part 1 million

2010-12-03T21:02:00.002-05:00

So I'm in. Slept in my new place for the first time last night, on the sofa, didn't make it up to bed. Which still isn't set up anyway....

Didn't make it to the house today, couldn't do it, it's a mess and there's still so much stuff left there...omg, shoot me.

I have to get my arse in gear.

But I have lots of time to do this. I want it all done by end of next week though.

Nothing is done here at the new place. Shoot me. I did buy myself a new kettle though so I can have tea and stare at the mess.

Internet works. Heh

I'm going back to moving about this joint like an 85 year old woman. Later.

changes

2010-11-20T18:08:00.003-05:00

So. In 2 weeks I'm moving.

Sale of this place is almost complete. Packing sitch is NOT in any way shape or form anywhere near done. Holy good lord.

I am bittersweet about this. This house meant so much when my ex & I bought it, there was so much hope & promise, new beginnings et al. It's all coming back to me as I pack up my belongings.

But then again, this house also saw the demise of my marriage, housed 2 very unhappy people who were married but so separate, and then 2 people who were separated & living on different floors, and then housed just me. Single me that wasn't able to take care of this house, which, due to neglect during the marriage, when my husband was out of work all the time, or just plain not helping at all, started to fall apart. It ate all my money. I have nothing left. And I have to sell for way below what the house should be valued at, and while I'll clear my mortgage and some expenses, not much will be shown for this house he & I paid CAD 95000.00 for. After all is said and done, it wasn't much of an investment.

I am so looking forward to renting again. Something breaks, it's someone else's problem. I have my rent, my electricity, my internet, my phone, and nothing else to pay.

I'm renting a townhouse. I'm enclosing photos, these are my actual townhouse.

I used to live there, with my ex husband, before we bought the house. I looked at 2, one was the spitting image of the one we had before, this one is a titch smaller, but very updated and doesn't look the same. I fell in love, and so, it's mine.

The staff remember me, amazingly, it was almost 20 years ago, because they remember good tenants, and I'm very happy and relieved.

I'll try to blog, but I'm so behind on everything...if you don't hear from me, it's all good....

Change is good. The relief I'm going to feel is palpable.

One Match

2010-11-17T00:40:00.001-05:00

I'll let Sarah Harmer do the talking....

this n' that (a bit ranty, warning)

2010-11-12T08:19:00.002-05:00

So a few things in this life of mine (there will be swearing for the faint of heart).

Company I work for frustrates the fuck out of me. Seriously. They promote being so employee positive bla bla bla (we were purchased about 10 years ago by a very very large American multi-national - which I used to work for - so I know how the core company works intimately as I worked for them). In fact, the department I work most closely with has been ignored by their own manager, are now at critical mass, employees are upset, I'm trying to help them, their own manager is sabotaging them, as is the company itself (financial issues, you know, being American and all). I'm tired of this. They aren't my employees but I'm trying to fight on their behalf and it frustrates the hell out of me that my pleas are falling on deaf ears. It's going to be time for me to move on. Just can't come quickly enough.

I tell you, this team leaves the company, I'm gone too. I don't want to do it without them. They've said the same of me.

**********

I get a text from a friend last night. At this point, I'm using that term pretty loosely.

Asking me if I got a flea ridden rabbit over the weekend. I'm thinking "WTF??" but I'm assuming he means at the SPCA. As much as I love it, I've never said anything but I had to give it up (at least for now) because I have way too much on and was too stretched and it was making me cry (they have 100 for adoption).

I knew he had gotten a rabbit. He gave it to a friend (because he wanted it) and while at the friends it got fleas so the guy got rid of it.

I'm furious. Why do I know these people?

********

In the same vein, a co-worker, who has asked me a million times about how to adopt from the SPCA, comes into work announcing that he got a kitten and it's a pure bred and it's so cute yadda yadda.

From the pet shop.

It's a mix of Himalayan & Irish something (newsflash, it's a fucking mutt, it's not a fucking purebred).

Informed him that he has just killed about 5 kittens at the SPCA by buying from a pet shop.

"But I saved it!" he informs me. No dude, you just put a bunch of kittens at the SPCA to sleep. And perpetrated the entire cat mill industry. Well fucking done.

*************

My neighbor who is also a friend (although I wonder why seriously).

She cannot be without a man.

So she's started dating a mutual friend, who, while being a good enough guy, is a waster who doesn't have a job, he's a musician (please note, for all I have to do with musicians, I never date them, and there's a reason for that), he lives with his mother (in his defense she's 97 with dementia and he's her only child), has power of attorney over her $$.

All of a sudden my friend is never home. So in a phone convo I ask where she is, I haven't seen her in a while. She's staying at the bf's place. Note that she has 2 cats and 2 dogs. Where are they? Oh they're in the house, she comes once a day. ONCE A DAY!!!!!!!

I said I haven't heard the dogs to which she says "oh maybe they're dead, that would solve all of my problems"

OMG. Why. in. hell. do. I. know. these. people!!!!!!!???!!!

Oh and his mummy is in the hospital, dying, never to leave, and they're playing house without her neglected pets and he bought a new Jeep. Nice.

****************

Enter my best male friend. I've mentioned him before. Used to be my neighbor, had a huge crush on me at one point, feeling is frankly mutual, we've done this dance around each other for years. Travels alot for work. Shares a house with my EX FUCKING HUSBAND??!!?!?!

I shot a concert on Saturday that I had an idea he was going to (if he was in town) emailed and sure, he was.

Sat comes, he's nowhere to be seen, but generally will avoid the opener (I don't know why people do that, they can be so GOOOD), texted him, was on his way (I assumed with his best friend - turns out I was right of course).

Concert started 15 mins early, I got some shots off downstairs and went up to the balcony, large band, wanted some shots from up top as below was very full and there was no pit whatsoever.

I'm standing on the stairs on one side and feel an arm go around my waist and a whisper in my ear "hello...who's that with all the cameras!". I turn to look up at him, big grin on my face (I haven't seen him in months), and put my arm around him, rest my head on his shoulder and all is right with the world.

Please note. We generally avoid touching each other. We are always incredibly awkward in that respect, brush hands and we're apologizing left & right.

His bestie is watching all of this with a look on his face.

Anyway they went and took their seats and I continued to shoot the concert, and because I had no restrictions and the venue was one I can stick around in without getting shot out, I stayed. Loved the band. I couldn't tear myself away if I tried.

So, he walked me to my car. Told his friend that's what he was doing and he could come along if he wanted but, he'd be back if not. Friend came along of course.

Find out he's quit his job, he has always been on tenterhooks with this company, he's a consultant for them, makes a good amount of money, his rent is low because he's sharing, so this isn't a big deal. So we're at my car and he states "we need to get together and have dinner & those drinks" (he was going to make me dinner, and this was a while ago). His friend says "would you two just do it and get it over with please so we can all get on with our lives?".

HA.

Anyway. He has this thing. He becomes a hermit. Now, as you may have noticed (ahem) I have a tendency to do the same, so I get it, but now he's hermiting from me, and I don't like it. One thing was that he wouldn't answer his friends, but I was special (hahaha! yep special). Now he doesn't even answer me all the time.

So I just emailed him to ask him what the hell.

I have missed this guy. If he's going thru something, I'd like to know....I adore him, always have, we get along like no one.

And if it has to do with guilt concerning my ex, I'll frigging kill them both. Swear it.

Ok so that's my garbage for the past few weeks. I've had enough. Might I mention that?

Oh yeah, the shittiest bit of the past couple weeks? A friend's brother was feeling sick, went to bed, never woke up. He was 30. She's 4 months pregnant by a man that doesn't want to know. She is obviously devastated, and seeing her pain is killing me. I'm voting an aneurysm of some sort.

Ok enough from me.

and so it continues

2010-11-05T11:11:00.003-04:00

The pairing up. Holidays are coming. People are finding a significant other to spend it with.

In my social group, I will soon be the only single person.

Which I guess means I'll have tonnes of time to devote to finding a job overseas.

I'm overjoyed at the prospect.

I can't wait to move. I couldn't get a date here if I tried, in England, for reasons unknown to me (maybe that women look way old before their time over there?), I get hit on constantly.

I have no value here in Montreal. Well except to men I wouldn't date for all the $$ in the world. Sorry. I do have some taste, it may be odd, it may not be the norm, but it is there. And, after a marriage in which I wasn't remotely attracted to my spouse, I am not going there again, ever. He can be the nicest guy, if I'm not attracted to him, I'm not having anything to do with him.

Back to work. The thing I'm good at. Why blog about relationships when this is the one area in which I am a huge failure? It depresses me as is anyway.

I'm trying!

2010-11-03T19:04:00.002-04:00

Sorry guys. I'm just too busy recently to do anything.

11-12 hour days at work, packing the house, moving things to storage, finding somewhere else to live temporarily, getting the dogs prepared to move overseas (oh and the cat), trying to get a job over there. Photography.

Yep. Busy.

bark

2010-10-21T22:34:00.002-04:00

Things you would hear at my house right now.

1) me coughing

2) foster bunny trying to escape from his enclosure

3) me hacking

4) Iggy whining from his cage, where he's a prisoner for over another week

5) me choking & hacking

6) the cat meowing that he wants out of the house

7) me taking a drag from my inhaler

8) hamster wheel a churnin'

9) me trying to breathe

10) Vince chewing on a rib of celery

11) me crying in pain at my chest hurting from coughing

Yes. Boys & girls, my second cold of the season has been with me over 2 weeks now, and I'm feeling horrible. It's aggravated my asthma something wonderful, my head is killing me, and I'm faint from coughing so much. Almost thrown up from coughing as well. It's been fabulous.

After I edit these shots from a press conference, I'm going to bed. End of.

endless

2010-10-18T22:50:00.002-04:00

Keeping in mind that I generally come on here to be NOT positive and bleat my crapola etc....

Drama. Can it end please? I'm a frigging magnet for it these days.

I have stuff happening, it's fine, I'll survive, but it's a bit stressful et al.

Enter Saturday morning, when I arrived home to find that my sweetest little red pupper Iggy couldn't walk.

My dogs are miniature Dachshunds. 1 in 4 gets degenerative disc disease. Iggy could almost not use his back legs, his back was roached and he was in pain.

Off to the vet, where they confirmed my worst fears, a disc (please note that it costs 3-4 grand to fix this problem - hello daddy's credit card???). But there was a possibility that it could be an infected disc. Remote but possible, because he was running a low grade fever, and it could also be cancer, so an x-ray was done.

It's an infected disc. Don't ask me how it happens, I can't tell you.

He may not get all the use of his back end back perfectly, but he's been running around when I take them out for a pee, he's on cage rest for 2 weeks...poor bugger, he's not pleased except it keeps him from being Bungee's object of attack. However.

Fingers crossed.

But seriously gods. Enough of the drama? Really. Just let me pack up my house and get on with it k?

I could also use this cold being taken away too, enough of that as well!

where my brain's at

2010-10-14T11:33:00.003-04:00

Je pense à lui by Chic Gamine

And what I'm trying to say
Can't be done in a tongue
That I know too well
Cuz if you hear it, I fear I may just have to come clean
And, oh my dear, in the morning
I'll say in the day, that it's not so bad
But it's those other times
When these words are all I see

Quand la lune tombe pour la nuit
Je pense à peu de choses
Mais, je pense à lui
Mon coeur est brisé
C'est bien tant pis
Je pense à peu de choses
Mais, je pense à lui

And I'll disguise my words from you
Take a sleeping pill or two
And I know this feeling should pass
Trying, oh, so hard to see
The green, green grass
The growing trees
When I know they too won't last

And isn't it even sadder though?
This foreign chorus
You may never know?
And maybe someone else will understand
But I don't want just any man

J'ai laissé mes rêves avec toi
Et je me suis laissée tomber dans l'oubli
Why did you forget about me?

Tu prends tout l'espace dans mes pensées
But now these words to you I must say
Ca suffit, mon ami
C'est fini

status quo

2010-10-12T12:26:00.003-04:00

So....I'm much less miserable. But I'm no less sad.

I'm not liking the way my life is behaving. At all. And all the changes I'm trying to make are either taking too long or being beaten into submission by circumstances.

Again. I'm watching people pair up. In my private & online life. I am avoiding reading some blogs. Hiding people on Facebook because they're much too happy for me to read. The holidays are approaching. It looks like a) I'll be stuck here and b) it'll be holiday season #10 alone. Not sure I'm going to survive. I feel so....lonely......

That probably accounts for 80% of both of these things.

I'm finding solace in my photography. And not really much else. Daydreaming about being over there and how I will live my life. My different life. My new life. Now if the job would just sort itself, and the house go away.

Smiling is still pretty hard work. But the psych says this is all normal normal normal normal. Fear, bereavement....all normal.

I just don't feel normal, but I guess that's no suprise, I never have anyway.

holy good god

2010-10-02T16:00:00.002-04:00

I'm going to repeat a conversation I had with a friend earlier. She said this. Not me.

"Are all men assholes? Do they all lie? Are there any good men, because if this is the life I'm supposed to live, I'd like a do-over!"

My friend has been defrauded by her boyfriend. 3 credit card applications, 2 went thru, credit cards & pins sent to her home, but she didn't receive them, activations done from her home, but she didn't do them.

I just spent this morning consoling her when we were out for breakfast and she told me, and the afternoon at the Surete de Quebec while she made her police report.

Rest of the afternoon calling the other credit card companies to have fraudulent credit cards closed.

Unbelievable.

Poor thing is devastated. Completely & utterly and rightly so.

How do people do these things?

Worst part, because the boyfriend is a recent immigrant, police aren't sure they'll be able to locate him. So she has to remain ok with him for a few days so they can do an intercept of him after she calls them to come and get him.

Wonderful.

There are some really really shitty people in this world. I have to tell you.

I'm saddened and sickened.

Soundtrack: my friend trying to seem ok on the phone to the boyfriend

stress 1 : myself 0

2010-10-01T15:18:00.002-04:00

Work - situation critical, HR manager & boss coming to see me from Toronto on Monday. I asked if I was being fired (hahaha) but they wouldn't let me know they were visiting if that was the case and my boss was rather insulted when I asked. Damn, kinda, I'd like to get bought out so I can just concentrate on getting rid of this house and moving overseas.

Home - oh well, this weekend will be dedicated to packing up and deciding (again, forever and always) what I'm taking and what I'm getting rid of and listing things on the net to sell. Which is giving me a huge headache. Yey.

Photography - I think in my spare time (*snort!!!!*) I'm going to start a music & photography blog. Good god. We'll see if I can manage that at some point. Anyway, I'm shooting tonight, potentially tomorrow & Sunday night. I'm already tired at the thought. But I love it so no rest for the wicked.

That's really about it. I'm just keeping to me these days in terms of seeing people & doing things, because I really don't feel much like it. My usual desire to escape the house is at an all time low. Which is fine. But then again, so is my desire to take care of things around the house, but now it's situation critical, so I have to.

ok back to work. snore.

Soundtrack: Oil Man's War - Kathleen Edwards

stagnant

2010-09-29T12:09:00.001-04:00

Everyone else's world marches on as they should, new significant others, new jobs, new exciting things in their lives. And mine just...doesn't.

Still not happy. Not sure I am ever going to achieve that status.

a smaller head

2010-09-27T22:28:00.004-04:00

So. Went to the head shrinker this evening.

Situational depression, totally normal under the circumstances or so she says, this year and all it's brought with it.

She finds it interesting that in circumstances where I'm beholden to someone else, as in, I've made a commitment, so photography, work, friends, I can get myself motivated to get up off the sofa. But circumstances where the motivation needs to be gotten to do something for myself (like cook, do my laundry, clean the house, pay my bills, take care of life in general), I'm unable.

The being able to do it for others is learned from past therapy. Anti-depressants are a problem for me, I can't take them because they do other things to me that aren't good, so I had to learn. And I learned it well. And I'm capable.

As long as it's for someone else and not for myself.

She said it sounds to her, like I'm almost not trying to get myself overseas. But we figured that one out. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the big change. I want to do it, but I'm terrified.

I now feel like I'm all alone in the world because the one person that stood by me, had my back, was there whenever I needed her is gone. My friends can only do so much, mostly because I'll only let them in so far. Grannie was there from the beginning of my life, knew what I went thru as a child, knew why I was the way I was, knew how to get around it. She knew what made me tick. And now I don't have anyone that understands me and my complex personality at all.

And I feel alone.

Which she says is understandable.

She thinks that the stressor of the house being gone and off my back will open up my mind and relieve the huge burden that I've been carrying on my back since about a year ago. It needs to be done in the next 2 months, I've given myself that deadline, November 1st it will be signed over to someone else and who knows where the hell I'll live at that point, but hopefully I can get the England thing to align itself.

We can always hope.

I cried from the moment I walked in there to the moment I left. Still haven't entirely stopped. I don't like crying in public, I don't like people acknowledging me being upset, particularly in person. I've held alot of this in for about a year. Except when I'm alone.

Or venting on this blog. Which seems to be an issue for some people.

We didn't get into how I'm supposed to deal with this feeling of being alone now. I'm hoping she can give me some sort of insight.

I felt a bit clearer about things. Clear as mud. I suppose it'll get better as it goes on.

One of the last things she asked me was if I'm happy with my life. I can honestly say no.

there's nothing I love more....

2010-09-27T17:57:00.003-04:00

than being kicked when I'm down.

Thanks to all in my life that have recently done that.

If any of you read this (seeing as I keep it secret, that's doubtful), you'll know who you are. Otherwise, it's out there in the universe, and although I can't take back past support of you, it won't be forthcoming in the future.

Sorry I'm having hard time and it doesn't fit into what you all seem to think my life should be or my attitude should be.

There are things you all don't know. Scary things. Things that make you homeless - and destitute. Stressors in my work I can't write about, which are the reasons I'm on anti-anxiety meds.

I'm past cheering up now. Way past it.

If I was the type to jump off a bridge, I'd have done it by now, I'm sure things will swing upwards.

Of course I've said that for the past year and it hasn't happened, but anyway....one can always have a tinge of hope.

I'm tired of being judged for what I feel. What I feel is MINE. And I refuse to pretend because it might offend people.

The end.

life

2010-09-25T14:29:00.002-04:00

Someone said life is beautiful.

I'm unable to concur. I've had enough bad. I'd like some good.

If this is the path that I'm to take, I'd love to know why it was me that is still here, and my life loving, new mother of a sister in law was taken?

The point is what exactly?

I don't believe there is one. and if there is, it's a big old cosmic joke.

Nuff out of me now. I have a house to clean, there's an agent coming to estimate the complete and utter shit hole for me. Joy. What a fucking mess, I'm nowhere near having it clean let alone even neat, it's full to the rafters with shit, and now I get to be embarrassed to have someone in it, but I have no choice.

No options.

Wonderful.

This life is a blast. Seriously.

and so....

2010-09-23T11:47:00.002-04:00

it continues.

A nice email at 1:30 am - some well meaning convo via FB up to that point.

Nothing helps much at the moment.

If it's not work, it's my personal finances, personal life. If it's not that, it's the abject loneliness I feel, and that I'm completely and utterly alone in this world and everything I do. And will I ever fulfill my wishes, and if I do that, will I ever be happy with my life? Will I ever meet somoene to treat me decently? You'd think that was a simple request in life, but apparently I have a sign on my forehead that reads "even though I will fight you every step of the way, please treat me like shit".

This had better just be a moon thing. Otherwise I may fall over the edge of this flat earth.

Then there's work bullshit. I've had just about enough of the stupid situation that's happening around here, an exec fucking another employee. He's found out it was me that complained about his lack of attention to the work situation & the flaunting of that relationship, and now I'm being mentally abused, excluded from things that affect me directly in my work.

It's no wonder this world is brought to me by Ativan. And that I had stroke-level blood pressure and was admitted to the hospital a few weeks ago.

I want that huge change, and I need to make it happen, and my desire to not get off the sofa or out of bed isn't making it any easier to do all of this.

I do everything I can but some days....I just can't do anymore.

I've arrived at that day once again.

awake

2010-09-23T01:31:00.000-04:00

So many problems.

Get one solved, another pops up. Usually worse than the one previous.

I'm not dealing with things very well. Or at all. I'm going to see someone about it on Monday. Grief counsellor. Guess she'll help me thru it?

Left a couple important things to rot to shit because I can't be half arsed. Stupid.

Work has become hell. Stupidity of others

Overwhelmed

2010-09-22T20:07:00.000-04:00

I'm sick of being me.

End of today's story.

rough

2010-09-18T17:04:00.004-04:00

I'm having a terrible day.

Ever have one of those days when uncontrollable crying over someone is all you can manage?

When everyone around you seems happy & coupley and you, as usual, are not?

Just so lonely you can feel it with all your being?

Yeah. That's me today. Sad. Lonely. Unloved. & missing someone I should never ever considering missing, so much that it hurts.

I want to get to England, crawl into bed with him with my face against his back, his hand on my thigh, like I did this summer. & just listen to him breathe.

things I shouldn't do

2010-09-16T13:05:00.009-04:00

Last weekend, at the urging of a friend, I went to see an astrologer. Something I've never really wanted to waste my $$ on before, but, well, she was insistent.

She of course, as I'd never done this before and was terrified, made me go first.

Sigh.

Name (only first) birthdate, birth time & where was I born.

And then away he went.

The things he shouldn't know:

- that I was married but have been separated a long time
- my father has a blood related problem
- I have 2 siblings
- I've had 2 miscarriages - but have no children (one was a girl he said, that made me cry later when I was alone, as much as I've never really wanted kids)

The good things he said:

- I'm a generally lucky person with a generally easy going chart
- that I'll be divorced from this first husband by my next birthday (that's March peeps!)
- that I'll get married a second time and that will be it (I really have no desire to marry again, but I guess it means someone might love me?)

The big things:

- one of the very first things to pop out of his mouth was "your 42nd year will bring huge changes to your life" (he had to ask me when I am 42, he hadn't calculated that)
- there will be much travelling, overseas
- I am a suspicious person. Very. And I weigh that suspicion against the truth, and frequently screw things up because I go with suspicion (oh yes, this I do).
- there is a man. And in line with the above suspicion, I am not sure whether to believe what he tells me or not, because there's a situation I don't like, he's married or has a woman in some way or another. But I love him. And that when all is said and done, he & I will be fine together, everything will work out, we will get married & I may have a late child because he wants it.

There were a few other things also, but, to the great disappointment of my friend, there's really nothing overly bad about my chart (unlike hers, which is a mess, so at least she felt she got something from it).

Of course, I'm a very suspicious person. Do I believe any of this malarky? I know people (actually my friend that convinced me to go) that have had things happen as predicted by some of these people....

So I'm taking it all with a grain of salt. Obviously the big changes are my move overseas. The man is obviously the Brit (I won't lie, I do love the asshole). But, as probably only one of my readers knows, the issues are possibly more complicated then this astrologer has any clue, and may not be forgiveable, or may not be something I want to be involved with.

So really...yeah....I shouldn't have done this, because I have a million questions in my mind, a million things have rushed back to my mind where I had gotten rid of them concerning the Brit. I don't want to love him. I don't want to marry him, I don't want to forgive him for what he's lied to me about.

life

2010-08-09T20:28:00.001-04:00

It's full of twists & turns, ups & downs.

But for me, most of the time, it's full of disappointments.

And this is one of those times in my life that is hugely busting with disappointments.

ABC's of me

2010-08-05T16:53:00.002-04:00

This one I can do! thank you PrincessB!

Just copy and paste.

A- My AIR CONDITIONER is set on: 72F. Because my ex husband liked Fahrenheit, it's not in celcius. I don't know how to change it.
B- My BEDROOM theme is: Green.
C- The CAR in the driveway is: 2007 Pontiac Wave
D- My DESK looks: a complete and utter disaster area
E- The EXACT time I wake up daily is: 4 am because my mind/body hate me
F- The FIRST thing I wash in the shower is: my face
G- My GARAGE is filled with: don't have one, but if I did it would be filled with my ex-husbands left-behind CRAP
H- My HOUSE is: a brick Cape Cod style
I- If you peeked INSIDE my bedroom you'd see: 2 bunnies, hay all over the floor because of the bunnies, books and an unmade bed
J- My favorite JUICE is: gin. That's juice right?
K- The best part of my KITCHEN is: absolutely nothing
L- The LAST person who visited my home was: my sister
M- The last piece of MAIL for me was: a bill what else
N- My NEIGHBORS think I'm: a bitch
O- If you OPENED my fridge you'd see:Fruits, veggies, raw meat for the dogs, lactose free milk, yogurt
P- My last house PARTY was: when my ex & I moved into the house. That was 20 years ago
Q- A QUICK meal I like to fix is: mushroom pasta
R- My favorite ROOM of the house is: living room
S- The SHAMPOO brand I use is: Sweet Pea for fine hair from Bath & Body works
T- My largest TELEVISION is: i have no idea, i never watch it
U- UNDER my bed you will find: dust bunnies & real bunnies!
V- The last time I VACUUMED was: 2 weeks ago
W- Looking out my WINDOW I see: the house behind me, the houses on either side or the house in front
X- I wish I had X-TRA: money. always money
Y- My YARD is: hideous and huge
Z- ZZZZZZZ My bedtime is: if I'm lucky I get to bed by midnight, usually 1 am ish

yep

2010-07-27T00:30:00.002-04:00

Lazy lazy lazy.

Or rather not.

Lots of things to do, lots of things to see, life is a bit crazed so you're not going to experience alot of me I'm afraid.

Just too much to complete and not enough time when I'm not stuck at work :S

So a quick hello, I'm alive, I'm moving to England by end of October, to you all!!

concentrated

2010-07-21T00:03:00.002-04:00

I'm in move mode.

I want out. Of my life here, of my job that's currently making me ill (strange, I have digestive issues since I returned to my job, coincidence? probably not).

I've started selling off some un-necessary furniture. I've started getting rid of the definitely non-essential crystal & china that I don't think I've used for years.

I'm cleaning up.

I am probably going to sell the house to a house flipper. I know how much $$ I want, and as long as I get close to that, it's a private sale & I take my money & run.

Still waiting for some documents from my parents for my visa.

Merrrr. Don't try to stop me family.

Memorial for my grannie this weekend down where she lived. I went out & bought waterproof mascara. Also will be the first time I see my middle sister (the one I dislike) since she said she hates me & doesn't want to see me again. Yay. Not. wish me luck not ripping her a new asshole (which my grannie would have totally appreciated, so everyone in my family can stfu)

phew!

2010-07-12T11:58:00.001-04:00

So the Brit's dad is leaving hospital today. Their vacation can begin, although I'm sure, in his very English way, he's still worried, his dad can't fly for 2 weeks.

I don't mind being woken at 3:30 am to hear that sort of thing.

yet another reminder

2010-07-11T23:08:00.002-04:00

Life is too short.

I heard from the Brit today. He's on the annual family pilgrimage to Spain. They left the day after I left England.

We communicate alot via Blackberry Messenger, due to my job, his job, & the time difference, but due to a friend that got a £4000.00 cell bill on a trip to Asia, he & his brother are terrified of getting a huge roaming bill, so the cells are turned off on the trip. We knew we wouldn't communicate much if at all during his trip. Same as last year. Internets are few & far between where they are.

He kindly turned the phone on for me for 3 seconds today. To let me know that his dad had a stroke on their first day there, and that he may be there an extra week because his dad's unable to fly.

If it was 3 weeks ago, while I would feel absolutely horrible for the Brit & his unknown family, now it's worse. Because I've met these people. And I loved his dad, I'm also pretty sure he liked me alot also.

I can't do anything from over here. I've made it clear that the minute he gives the word, I'll be there. But being the stoic bastard that he is, I can forsee that not happening.

So. White light for this bright, intelligent, happy man that I met 2 short weeks ago, who has many personality traits that he passed on to my Brit, looks he passed to him as well, who I would like to get to know better in the future. Whose funeral I don't intend on attending.

confusion reigns

2010-07-02T04:11:00.002-04:00

How do people get their wires crossed the way they do?

You think you make yourself clear to someone, and they misinterpret, you misinterpret, and everyone ends up in a big mess of misunderstandings.

I'm partially to blame, he's partially to blame, and so the confusion. Nothing a good convo wouldn't solve. But I'm not sure anyone is up to it right now. Maybe before I go.

2 more days and then back to the life I hate. Away from the man I (let's admit it now, for better or worse, why I have no idea sometimes, really) probably love.

I won't be able to see him all cheery in the morning (how I have no idea with the amount he works), watch him & listen to him breathing as I try to sleep (nope, can't even sleep over here), see him half asleep on the sofa & just plain adorable at night.

Keeps things close to his chest. I'm not sure what is going on. Not sure where his head is, at all. All I know is what I feel and it's pure for lack of anything more concrete. I have felt so very "cared for" while I've been here. Something my life has been severely lacking. I relish handing over the reigns to someone I trust, not having to steer this boat all by myself anymore.

I don't want to go "home". Although it's not my home, it's his, it feels more like a home to me than mine does, probably because I no longer want to be there, and want to be over here. I am so comfortable here.

First order of business when back in Canada is getting the documentation together for my visa and getting that application in, as well as butt fully in gear to clean out and fix & sell that frigging house. It's a bane to my existence and a drain on my finances for absolutely no reason.

I'm 41. Time to get my shit together. Financially, emotionally, just althogether get it right for once.

Sorry bout my rambling. I'm so unsure what I'm on about half the time.

here we go again

2010-06-16T13:42:00.002-04:00

Nope nope, this doesn't have to do with me, my trip or the Brit. That is all going just swimmingly thankyouverymuch!

This has to do with a friend of mine.

You may recall the bad friend I had that stole another friend's boyfriend. Let's call them Bad & Good.

Well. Bad & the boyfriend split up. We all saw it coming. We all knew it would happen. We all knew. Although these 2 deserved each other, her for doing the unspeakable to a friend, him for leaving & hurting a wonderful woman, we all knew it would end. Bad is impossible to tolerate. Me me me me me. Narcissist. He's no better. I think he's psychopathic in some of his ways of dealing with people (not to say he's killed anyone, just that he doesn't think of consequences or care about them & how they affect others, only of himself).

They split, she discovered she has no friends left because of this, he discovered he had 2 and was no longer welcome into the circle of friends we had all been a part of. He hurt Good horribly, she still isn't over it.

Except now he's making a full play for her again. Made a new FB profile dedicated to her and how he made a mistake.

Did I mention he tried to cycle through all the women in our circle of friends, just no one realized until AFTER the whole him & Bad situation, when everyone started talking. Except me, I can see thru the guy like saran wrap, and he's well aware of that.

Good is in a really bad place. 2 years ago her mother died very suddenly after being diagnosed with Leukemia. They met shortly after (she & this arsewipe). A week ago, her father found out he has cancer also, one considered to be incurable. She's devastated.

And now, because he's hotly pursuing her, she is totally taken with this dickwad, saying "well maybe he made a mistake?".

Yeah he made a mistake. One that really shouldn't be forgiven.

So I get the following from her:

"but you forgave the Brit!!?!?!?!?"

Um. I'd like to note a few things I listed to her.

A) the Brit & I live 5500kms away from each other, and hadn't gotten to the point of stating with a definition that we were dating. We were interested in each other, but had one or the other met someone else, or gotten up to something else, there was pretty much a "don't ask don't tell" situation going on.

B) He didn't fuck one of my friends, pursueing the relationship behind my back while I thought everything was ok, proceeding to split up in an email AFTER Bad & he had changed their FB statuses to say they were in a relationship with each other (this is how Good initially found out).

Inexcuseable.

And I get to watch this little train wreck.

You all wonder why I want to leave town? I want to leave this behind, leave behind my family bullshiz & get the f outta dodge.

What to do? I can't be supportive. I can't hang out with this guy, I seriously loathe him (and only tolerated him before because of her). Every ounce of me wants to deck him.

Goddamn.

further update

2010-06-09T14:31:00.003-04:00

Very quickly, because I have absolutely no time these days....

Yesterday's discussion.

The Brit: So what day are you arriving again?

Me: the 25th. Problem?

The Brit: oh no not at all, actually I was just checking my work schedule the full week you're here, I'm on earlies, means I can take you out in the evening.

What time do you arrive?

Me: 7:30, I'll get the train out to your area, no problem

The Brit: no no no, we'll arrange something, I'm on lates, I can come pick you up

Me: um.....ok, if you want??!!?!?!

180 degrees people. 180 degrees.

I'm wondering how hard he hit his head....and if the damage is permanent :D

and still...

2010-06-07T12:47:00.002-04:00

I know. I'm a horrid horrid blogger these days.

Still overwhelmed with my life. Although enjoying most things I'm doing. Got some new camera equipment that was well-needed, am prepared for the shows I'm shooting in London.

I am still numb with shock over my impending trip to the UK. Shock in a good way, I have nothing in that respect to complain about. I just can't believe that there has been such a huge, and I mean huge, turn-around in the Brit's attitude. Monstrous. He's almost pleased with himself that he's shocked me so much.

This will be a good trip. I have no lumps in my tummy except for nerves, I am not afraid, nor anxious, this is going to be a really good trip.

What I'm also looking forward to is that I'll be staying at his and will therefore be in the area I want to live when I move over, this will give me ample opportunity to really check it out. I'll also visit my new office near the airport, I'm here, I may as well....meet the guy that has *my* job.

I'm also thinking, I'd like to work for an aid agency. This has been a dream of mine for years, which pops up every time there's a natural disaster or something in which people need help from aid agencies. There's a very very large world renowned one in a town close to the Berkshires (in Oxfordshire - that should give you an idea of who it is), I think I'm going to try to get in there. I'd probably be involved in logistics still, that's a big part of their purpose....but I'd make a difference in the world and in people's lives.

Anyway, food for thought. The move is a few months out - probably about 4-5 at this point - not to get ahead of myself. But ultimately that's what I'd like to do.

Back to trying to work.

update

2010-06-02T12:34:00.003-04:00

And for those non-believers (like myself for one!) - 4 days after the conversation below - after my telling him dates etc, asking if it's still ok...all is well and I'm being assured that he wants this just as much as I do.

I'mn still stunned. But stunned in a good way.

Could something actually be going the direction I want it to for once? Miracles.

fog clearing?

2010-06-01T00:42:00.000-04:00

I'll apologize in advance for booboos as I'm doing this on a Blackberry as I lay in bed unable to sleep. It's 12:41 am. Night 2 that sleep eludes me.

The past weekend was an interesting one. I don't want to hear the groaning, but I heard from The Brit. And it was good.

I heard everything I've never heard before with a conviction that has never been included in our discussions. I was sorely missed and after some months of introspection on his part, he came to some conclusions one of which being his total assness toward me after I had been nothing but nice, second one being not wanting to lose me. All of this with an invitation come over & stay with him, please, he won't take no for an answer & owes me big time & needs to do a lot of apologising & grovelling.

I countered with asking when he had been hit in the head.

This little proclamation had been preceeded by a week or more of me winging & whining about wanting to be in England, missing the Brit, & deciding that fuckit, I'm selling up here & going as quickly as I can get work.

And now I'm tired so I'm going to bed.

But yes. I'm going at end of June. Back in July. Staying at his, will undoubtedly meet family, he'll be working but I can go to work with him in the evenings if I want. Days to myself, & shooting a few shows in London.

the mystery woman

2010-05-21T12:10:00.002-04:00

Yep. That's me.

I know I know, I am a horrible blogger.

In my defense life has been pretty much insane recently, shocking I know. I don't think I need to explain, you're all pretty much aware from my previous posts.

I'm off for the next 5 days, Monday is a holiday here in Canada and I took my last 2 days of vacation as well as my floater. I worked almost a week of overtime in 3 weeks, I'm exhausted.

Agenda is to get this house relatively clean, do laundry, change the litle carpet in the bedroom which sounds like a small task but isn't, if it sees fit to rain I'll do some weeding, and finish a whack of editing. I need to cook also.

Having fun yet? :P

I am also hanging with a nice young man this weekend and I may or may not go into that in the future. It's a bit complicated, but some of it is complicated in a way that works for me (his job means he's in the province only 8-9 days a month). He's younger. Also works for me :) There are a couple things that don't, but he's cute & extremely smart and we'll see what happens. He's also french, which is a bit of a departure for me (I know that sounds stupid my being here but it just happens like that for me, always english guys).

Alrighty so on with my day, making Cuban spare ribs. I love my meal plan, as much as I've ignored it this week (bad bad bad bad bad). Really helps me watch the $$

summary?

2010-05-09T22:27:00.003-04:00

Ok 2 weeks in summary.

- complete and utter insanity at work

- lack of motivation

- fight for my f-ing insurance money

- still no house insurance (it's scary, tomorrow)

- money money money

- I met someone online and met him so I could get laid (god...what is wrong with me?), in my defense he's a very nice guy, I liked him very much as a person, and I think he's a cutie. It will go nowhere. Major life/age differences. And well, I'm a mess anyway.

- met a fantastic guy (he started to talk to me and I turned around to see if he was talking to the person behind me), naturally he has a girlfriend, who I know indirectly (oh Facebook you disappointment). made me feel good that this total hottie sought me out twice to flirt with me. But again. I'm a mess. So no biggie right?

- spoke to my father this weekend. May see him tomorrow, he's coming to pick up some paperwork for an aircraft. If he makes me cry at work, I'll kill him.

- Lots of photography. One of the few things holding me together. I photographed Johnny Rotten. Major for me.

- The house I loved is sold. I figured :( And there is nothing out there to buy. I'm afraid now.

- Feeling very down on me, and need to fucking stop it.

Back when I can do something other than bullet form.

EDIT: It took me 2 hours to type the above out. Gawd. You all wonder why I can't manage to put together a blog entry....

and

2010-04-22T18:56:00.001-04:00

I am reading everyone's posts, just not necessarily commenting, I'm not coherent enough to get a thought out properly....it's kinda sad :(

okey okey

2010-04-21T12:49:00.002-04:00

I know. Bad blogger.

So here it is, in snippets, the good and the bad:

Good - insurance settled with me for more than what my kitchen will actually cost
Bad - fuckers cancelled my house insurance, yes, for making a claim (how dare I?)

Good - out and about taking photos etc
Bad - I'm so tired and have no time

Good - went looking at new places to live & saw one I'm in love with
Bad - I'm nowhere near close to being ready to sell my place (see above insurance/kitchen issues), it'll be gone by the time I'm ready, but my agent now knows what I'm looking for

Good - I got majorly headhunted. 6 figures headhunted.
Bad - I'm too tired to start a new job, although I will go and interview anyway. You never know.

Good - well there is no good to this
Bad - work wise, I think I'm stuck in Montreal. :( No England for me. The dream has died.

In other news, I'm lonely. To quote Carrie Bradshaw "I'm lonely. The loneliness is palpable". At the urging of a friend I reinstated 2 online dating profiles, which have netted me absolutely disgusting men I wouldn't go near if they were the last men on earth and a nice looking dude that I had to report to the website as being a Nigerian scammer (I knew immediately, I'm good at that). Oh and of course the guys looking for nothing but sex. Because being overweight, naturally, I'm good for nothing better, right? Yeah. NOT.

Yay me. So fucking dateable.

Family-wise, at the urging of a friend (same one who suggested the dating sites..maybe I should smack her?) I emailed my dad the full situation concerning funeral day and my "unacceptable" behavior of wanting to be left the fuck alone so I didn't lose it. He hasn't answered it, but has apologized stating how busy he's been and he's going to. Whatever. I have no family. Fine.

Heard from the Brit. Just asking if I'm ok. Answered that I'll live and left it at that, a one liner. Too little, too late.

In other news, I'm in love with Hawksley Workman. Goddamnit he's adorable. Look him up and then feel free to tell me I'm crazy because he's a little, balding, chubby guy, but he has the nicest, smiliest eyes, and is a bit crazy in the thought processes, which I'm familiar with because I'm the same. Photographing him was great, and he's a fantastic musician, so much so I couldn't pull myself away like I usually do when I'm done with the shooting, I stayed til the bitter end.

I'll try to write more. I promise. I'm just swamped.

and so that's passed

2010-04-07T11:05:00.002-04:00

Easter has been and gone, and I think I slept right through it. Oh and edited photos. Yey. By the metric tonne.

Four days and I did absolutely frigging nothing around my house. Seriously didn't even vacuum, and I really need to get cracking.

I think I may have decided what to do after selling my house, but I'll keep that to myself for now. Not so certain about moving right now. Or ever. Oh I don't know anymore.

I'm attempting to save money using this website that gives you 5 day dinner meal plans based on the local sales at the grocery stores....it's working really really well, called www.SOSCuisine.com for anyone in Canada that might be interested, I'm doing the express meals and it plans out your grocery list, a plan of action and tells you where to get certain items that are on sale at the local grocery stores. Very useful, and my plan is no waste of food. Going well so far!

Um. Not sure what else to tell. Not much exciting. Work, photography, pets.

My new bunny is working well, litter training is a bit difficult, she's older, they usually learn when they've been spayed...but, um, if peeing on my arm is any indication, not so much. She sleeps on my pillow. She loves me. She licks. And she and my boy seem to have come to an agreement to not kill each other. It's certainly not love like it was between Tao & Molly, which was immediate and as we say here in Quebec, a coup de foudre (lightening bolt). This is more of an arranged marriage :)

When she's more comfy, I'll get some photos.

Anyway, I'm tired, so that's it.....I'm not bright enough to write enough today (although that rhymed yey me).

Soundtrack: City & Colour "Forgive Me" & Chantal Kreviazuk "Waiting for the Sun"

what the hell?

2010-04-03T12:01:00.001-04:00

I don't even have sunscreen yet, and it's supposed to be 26C today.

It's frigging APRIL!

So yeah, no problem, I'll remain indoors until late September...except when there's no sun...yeah no problem....sigh....

family & why I hate them

2010-04-01T13:35:00.002-04:00

Really really long story here, see if you can keep up. It's been at the forefront of my week this.

When I was about 4 and asserted my independence, sort of around the same time my baby-loving mother had my middle sister, my mother decided she didn't like me much. It was inconceivable to my maternal grandmother as well as my father, and she wasn't able to offer an explanation. I don't actually think she knows why to this day (not that it's ever discussed except for her to say "oh that's right, blame me for everything"). It was bandied about that perhaps I kept her from becoming a full RN (back in the day if you had children you weren't allowed to go to nursing school here in Canada) and she resented me for that, or I was just really independent and she didn't like that (I was, and still am).

So, my parents went on to have 2 more daughters other than me. And I was ignored by my mother except for the basics of life (I don't deny she cared for me, but how much is in question), blamed for much of anything my sisters did (the middle one used to purposely do things, blame me, and my mother to this day doesn't believe it was her, even though the youngest was there to witness and says it was).

My mother and I were far from close, in fact she was nasty to me, my dad and maternal grandmother did all they could to make up for it. According to my Grannie (and now you know why she was so important to me) told me of the arguments the 3 of them would have concerning me and my mother's outright dislike.

She shipped me off every holiday/summer to my Grannie. So she became my mom, or the closest thing I had to one other than biologically.

High school was rough. I'd see the relationships between my friends and their mothers, and wish I had something somewhat the same. If wishes were horses or whatever.

I moved out at 18 1/2. Just after finishing CEJEP and dropping out of McGill.

I remember my mother's birthday party, first time my ex husband met my mother. My mom was so nasty to me that, and I quote, my ex husband said "I adore your dad, but I never want to see that woman again, she treats you like shit". I'd say something, ask if I could help, she'd ignore me or shoo me or just be plain nasty.

I was in a car accident in 2002, we were broadsided on my side of the car when on vacation in a remote part of Quebec (les Iles de la Madeleine for those who live here, which accounts for probably 50% of my 2 readers :P), I was hospitalized for a week, should have been longer but my ex husband (who was only my boyfriend for about a month at that point) had to get back to work and I wanted to recuperate back in Montreal. Broke my pelvis, major damage to my rear end, back, legs, I had to learn to walk again. This freaked my mom out. Completely. Also coincides with when she started taking Prozac (it was just out on the market), what I didn't realize other than the migraines is that my mother suffers from anxiety and depression. She was extremely worried, extremely concerned and that was a bit of a turning point between she and I.

But I won't lie and say it completely changed. She was and still can be very nasty in terms of me, I will never have the relationship that my sisters have with my mother, and as a result, when I attend family things alone, I feel like an outsider, not like part of the family at all.

Fast forward to my paternal grandmothers funeral. For those who can't keep up, I've had alot of stress and loss recently, Grannie gone, then Grandma, and during that week I turfed The Brit, my rabbit died (the morning of the funeral), house issues and issues with money.

I don't tell my family everything. They know about the grandmothers and the rabbit. They don't know anything else. I don't feel they need to know about everything in my life, I'll get a lecture about the money, I'll get a lecture on the house, I'll get a lecture on The Brit.

During the funeral, I stayed back. I am so close to tears right now, I can cry at the drop of a hat, and I don't like showing weakness, not to mention at the funeral were non-family members. I didn't greet people at the viewing, I sat away from everyone and tried to keep it together. During the service I didn't sit with my family, I sat in the appropriate section, but way at the back. Same at the gravesite.

I don't want to bawl in public, I want to reserve that for my time. I don't feel I need to explain that.

Seriously, I've never felt so alone in my life as I did that day. Not to mention, every family member is paired up, I didn't have anyone to lean on or be there for me.

I got hell from my youngest sister who said I was being disrespectful not speaking to people and keeping away, that I was acting like a child.

I left. They were all going to my parents. But I had a grieving rabbit at home I was worried about and dogs to walk & feed.

On Tuesday this week, I got a thank you note from my parents. In it was a nice note from my mother thanking me for being a pallbearer. And a note from my dad (who I have been closest to) giving me hell for behaving like a child, embarassing him, and to stay away from family gatherings if I was going to behave like that.

Of anyone other than my Grannie, my father has always understood me.

I ripped that up, and decided that fine, I would stay home from now on. I dread family functions anyway. I always feel like an outsider no matter what.

Then I get an email from my dad, both of my sisters CCd on it, concerning my niece's birthday and Easter celebrations. Saying that no bad behavior will be tolerated from me that I am not to ruin my niece's day.

I responded back that I'm staying home.

And I never will again. I'm done. I don't need my family, of all people to make me feel like I am crap and useless, aren't they the ones that are supposed to love you unconditionally?

I've been to therapy quite a few times in my life. I think some of my coldness stems from this whole thing, perhaps that's why I have no boyfriend, I am so hard to get to know....

All I know, is I'm so hurt. Horribly hurt. And give up on trying to explain myself to anyone in my family.

a little light....

2010-03-28T11:26:00.005-04:00

So, in amongst all the sh*t, there's been a bit of light.

The photography is full tilt. As is the ensuing editing. I'll sleep when I'm dead right?

Yesterday went to a Blue Rodeo concert, my favorite band ever ever ever....

I'll leave you with this song which made me cry, full out, standing in Place Des Arts, tears streaming down my face. That's Jim. On whom I've had a crush since I was 17. Yumm. I've met him a few times now, nice guy....

Yesterday I was on the computer, and someone got me onto chat. I'm not sure if I mentioned a friend trying hook me up with a photographer from the local newspaper...hook up as in friendly, not meant to be romantic...we have alot in common with the photography & are both foodies etc....she thought we might get along.

Long story short, we met at a vernissage of his, but due to his job, my job, & my friend's job we haven't been able to get together for a meal out. He's not my usual type, but seriously, sexy in a big way. Nice smile. And the brains in this guy's head. Also turns out we know someone in common (naturally, this small old world). I thought he might be interested but, he never asked me out.

Fast forward to yesterday. Not sure how it happened, but I told him I wouldn't say no if he asked me out. He was shocked. Said he would so do that, except just last week he started seeing someone. That he didn't realize, I didn't realize, and now we both know and nothing can be done about it because, in his words "dammit, you're a week late, but wow, you really tempt me, you are sooooo cute."

I did feel a bit better about myself, seeing as I've been feeling so damned down about everything. And it made me smile. And hey who knows, it may not work out at all with this other woman, right? :)

no pain no gain?

2010-03-23T11:30:00.005-04:00

Ok so if I thought I was a numb disaster before, well, the past week's little gifts have made sure that I really am a completely numb disaster now.

Don't get me wrong. I wasn't that close to Grandma, not like Grannie, but I watched her die, as I held her hand, alone in her room at the palliative care, she started to die, her hands changed color as they do, her breathing slowed, she knew my sister and I had gotten there, and within the space of a 1/2 hour from our arrival, she was gone. I started to panic she would die with only me in the room, my dad (her son) wasn't there, but I didn't want to let go of her hand in case she did go, didn't want her to do it alone, she didn't seem as though that's what she wanted. Thankfully, my sister came in the room, looked at my face as I croaked out "her breathing has slowed" and she called the rest of my family into the room. She breathed her last breath with everyone she cared about around her.

Waking up to a dead rabbit, one of my favorite pets, beside me in bed wasn't pleasant either. Considering I was trying to get some sleep, Tao just wouldn't leave me alone, he was spinning in circles going insane, and I couldn't get rid of him. He was upset. Rabbits understand death and mourn. His girlfriend had died overnight. I started to bawl, which freaked him out even more, not just cry, but straight out wailing, such that I never do.

Funeral that day from grandma was fun. Me crying for a rabbit, withdrawing from my family completely, didn't speak to anyone at the funeral other than family members, sister accusing me of being disrespectful to my grandmother (she's dead, how can you be disrespectful), and me wanting to just go home so I could check on my grieving rabbit.

Tao was sitting staring into space when I got home. This rabbit full of energy and vim, just sat and stared into space. Contacted my colleagues at the SPCA to make sure he was going to be ok, was assured as long as he was eating it was fine. He was. He was just pretty much devastated and worrying the crap out of me.

We got a bunner in at the SPCA a week and a half ago, a pretty female Rex, came in with her boyfriend and 2 babies, which were taken away from her as she wasn't producing milk. She was separated from the boyfriend. And she was grieving, doing the same thing as Tao, just staring into space.

So the girls decided that maybe the 2 grieving bunners would make each other happy. So on Sunday, I brought Mae home. They're very interested in each other, they're both much more active, Mae even binkie-ing (a cute little bunny jump, look up "bunny binkie" on Youtube), even though they can't be together completely yet (Mae is going to be sterilized tonight, don't want anymore mourning bunnies).

And then there's me. I'm still mourning Grannie. Semi-mourning Grandma. Mourning Molly. Mourning the Brit. He didn't make any fuss about me deleting him. Never contacted me (it's been just short of a week), and really tells me alot about how much I meant to him, regardless of the lip service I was given. I hadn't deleted him from my MSN, because, truthfully, I never go on it, but happened to go on to talk to a friend in Hong Kong last night, he popped on for probably 3 hours, and never once contacted me.

I have one foot in Canada, the other in the UK. I am so confused about what I want to do, and I am so horribly lonely I can't even tell you. I am always out, always social, and yet, I need that extra that a man might give me because I've been without it for so long. And it's spring. That seems to be affecting me alot.

But I have to be self-aware enough not to get myself into any situations because I'm lonely...because I've been alone for so long, out of desperation. My instincts are generally not too bad when I meet people in person, so I don't entirely worry about that (believe me, I meet many men that give me the complete willies....I know..).

I somehow don't feel that I will ever meet anyone that I actually like and might actually feel the same about me. And I'm well aware it's something I need to be positive about, but I'm not feeling it right now.

The house. Don't go there. I've done enough yelling at people about that. I just feel...stuck. Like I can't move forward. Like I'm in quicksand, and it just won't let me go.

So. Slog ahead. Get 'er done. Etc. I know. I just don't have the energy, desire etc to do any of this right now. And I really need to, I know that...I know I need to get my arse in gear in order to move forward, but I'm thinking that my fear, my hesitancy has to do with the fact that I don't have any idea what I'm moving forward for.

If that makes any sense?

the latest

2010-03-19T19:40:00.003-04:00

My grandmother died, today was her funeral. (for those confused, that's 2 dead grandmothers in a month and a half - I officially have no more grandparents).

One of my rabbits was dead in my bed this morning and her other half is freaking out. I have a heartbroken rabbit on my hands. And a heartbroken me.

Any questions?

status quo?

2010-03-16T12:21:00.002-04:00

So, I’m feeling a bit better.

Off to Ontario today. The other grandmother is not long for the world. This one doesn’t upset me as much (and I feel completely terrible about that), and we knew this was coming – were prepared for it, she’s 60 lbs maybe due to the cancer, and we have absolutely no idea how she’s managed to make it this long since her diagnosis, seeing as she can’t eat, can’t breathe, and it’s in her brain as well as lungs/pancreas/stomach.

Ah cancer. You bitch.

I’ve stopped contacting the Brit completely. And he’s not contacting me, so I guess that’s that. All this precipitated by a fight with him during which I wasn’t very nice. But oh well. It’s not very nice to be hot & cold now, is it?

Whatever.

Someone told me I was beautiful the other day (yes a man, and one I know). I had to ask him if he had said that to the correct person, but it was nice to hear all the same. It’s something I hear…well…never. So I wasn’t sure he meant me 

Got invited to attend my friend’s dinner club tomorrow night. We’re doing Jamaican food and I can’t wait. Love love love, if my life isn’t making me happy, let me tell you, good, amazing, flavourful food does. Or cooking.

Kitchen. Still nothing. Argued with the adjuster the other day. Asking me why the contractor wants to redo my plumbing. Maybe it’s just me, but generally, when one rips out counters and then puts them back in, one needs to remove and redo the plumbing. But what the hell do I know? This woman. Seriously pisses me off. I really want to punch her in the face. If you saw her, and the look when my sweet cat rubbed against her leg…you’d want to as well, trust. Fucking French bitch (sorry francophones!).

Received a copy of my Grannie’s will in the mail the other day, which I expected. What I didn’t expect was the bawling that ensued after I saw her signature. Weird what can set you off. I need to have a big glass o’ crappy wine in celebration of that will.

England. No clue. One day at a time. I’m still saddled with this house. I’m still confused. I still don’t know whether I’m coming or going.

Photographed 2 artists of note in the past few days. Charlie Winston (and he's yummy to boot) and Milow (actually not too bad himself either!). A Brit and a Belgian...go Montreal you international city. They were both fantastic and neither had their cds for sale so I had to resort to some other means to get their music (see my halo?). I tried.

Um. Think that’s it for now. I need to get off this puter and get my arse in the car home, I need a nap for my 5 hours of driving tonight will bring. At least my sister is coming with me, otherwise, I really wouldn’t make it.

Soundtrack: Heart Of Stone - Rolling Stones & Just Another Day - Serena Ryder

I'm just so....

2010-03-09T16:08:00.002-05:00

You would think that at my age (in case you weren’t around last week, that’s 41); I would have some frigging clue what I’m doing.

I have none. I feel like I’m hanging by my fingernails over a cliff, no idea if I should climb back up or just allow myself to fall into oblivion.

It’s been 9 years of this. Since I left my husband. I worked my arse off, closed my business, worked sometimes 5 jobs at a time (it may have been 7 at one point), for at least 6 months, clawed my way back up the corporate ladder until 2 jobs ago when I was able to afford to buy the house off my husband and boot him out (that was 4 years ago this summer).

That’s actually when life began again, or should have, but whatever.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve had pretty much a blast these past 9 years. But there really has to be something else.

I’m so discontented right now and I’m not sure which way to turn or why actually.

I’m frustrated that I can’t get to the UK fast enough. I’m still waiting on the insurance for the kitchen, I’m still waiting on the inheritance from my grandmother which will help fix everything else I need done (otherwise I am completely unable to do it). I can’t afford the f-ing visa I need to get to get a job, which is probably good because at this time there’s no point in my applying for anything, I’m stuck here for the unforeseeable future. I want to get rid of this godforsaken house that eats every cent I have(or may have in the future), an albatross around my neck, the time is right to be selling and I’m stuck.

Men. Well you all know my feelings on that. I don’t think I’m in the right city frankly, I’m not young, skinny, cig smoking & coffee drinking (and ingesting nothing else) and tiny, I’m tall, fat, old and I’m bloody well eating what the hell I please, I’m still continuing to lose weight. There is never that elusive “he’s interested and so am I” thing that supposedly is supposed to happen when *I* meet people. It’s always one or the other.

Except for the Brit, but I’ll get to him later.

But I am *so* tired of going it all alone. I don’t seem to have it in me to do anything that I need to, I don’t have the energy nor do I have the desire.

Then there’s work. I’d love to photograph full time but we all know I’ll make nothing doing it, so I go to work daily at the corp that is frustrating the hell out of me and hasn’t given me a raise in a while, and due to circumstances such as a new computer system that makes it so we lose half of our profit on files to our overseas office and problems with the same computer system, I won’t see any profit sharing for the second year in a row. We wouldn’t want to reward hard work would we? No no, the world is in economic crisis, we still have business but we’re not making as much for all the work we’re putting in, but of course, we deserve nothing.

I’m at the end of my rope.

The only relationship with the opposite sex in which there is interest on both parts is with a man in another country, a man that works more than anyone I’ve ever met, who I have to fly overseas to see etc, and even then, I don’t get to see him for a heck of a lot of time. I often wonder why he and I reconnected. Is it the universe attempting to ram home the idea that I will be alone forever and will never have what I want? I someone up there playing with me and laughing the whole time? Or is it that really, this person I met & fell head over heels for 16 years ago in May is the person I should be with? It just wasn’t time back then? Otherwise, what point is there to this?

I moved at warp speed over the past few years, nothing could stop me, I was going to make it at work, going to own that house, I was going to show everyone. I no longer have that energy. I no longer have that drive. With exception of going to work, seeing friends, and my photography, I have no desire to do anything at all.

I even considering staying home instead of seeing friends these days. I want alone time more than I’ve ever wanted it in my life. And yet what I do when I’m alone is sit and cry.

No. It’s not clinical depression. I know in a lot of ways, it’s situational. The wanting to move and not being able to, the man being over there, the whole house situation, and , maybe stupid to people around me, my grandmother’s death has knocked a lot of my wind out of me. Things remind me of her and bring me to my knees in pain over her not being around anymore. I think I always considered her my only advocate in life (and in a lot of ways, she was the only one truly on my side). Although I’ve always been fiercely independent, done everything I’ve done, achieved everything I’ve achieved, by myself, I always had her as a sounding board, or to cry to on the rare occasions I needed it. I know she’s still around in my head, but it’s not the same. Talking to myself. Which essentially it is….and still constitutes crazy 

I think, at the crux of it all, is that I can’t continue being as strong as I’ve been. I’m no longer capable, and I don’t know what to do about it.

Soundtrack: "Time For Mercy" - Jann Arden

happy?

2010-02-28T16:17:00.003-05:00

Well. I'm not.

Am currently struggling.

It's my godforsaken birthday tomorrow. While the number doesn't offend me, what I have lacked in accomplishment, where I am is what does.

Single at 41. Yey. Just how I wanted it to be. Not. Have met one person a year of interest to me for the past 5 years. None of it went anywhere, except leaving me heartbroken (current situation unknown, but don't worry, I expect it to lead absolutely nowhere as well).

I won't get that call or that card from my grannie for the first time in 40 years.

I have to work.

I'm so near tears all the time right now. You don't realize how much someone is intertwined in your life until they aren't around anymore. It's really come home to roost to me in the past month.

If I didn't have the photography to fill a void, I don't know what I would do. Probably end up crying endlessly all the time.

Happy happy.

Soundtrack: Canada/USA gold medal game, Olympics Vancouver 2010

I know I know I know!!!!

2010-02-26T12:41:00.003-05:00

I have neglected this poor darling of a blog in a serious manner.

Seriously.

Serious.

ANYWAY....

I've been up, I've been down, I'm all mixed up, I'm not sure what end is up, and I'm busy as hell to boot.

Shocking I know. Me. Busy.

Check out www.focusmag.ca - I am now photographing for them. Not telling you who I am though. Yes it's in french. Deal. So for that reason, I'm spending a hell of a lot of time editing & going to concerts, but I love it, so....hey why not? It also gives me a bigger exposure which is excellent, and the website is a member of one of those sites where you go to get photos of people when needed???? help me, what in hell are they called? Like Getty Images idea...anyway. There's the possibility of some $$ to be made for me as well as the exposure. I also see things I normally wouldn't make the effort to go out and see (ie spend the $$ on).

Ok, so I went on a date the other day. And may I just say, I am not doing that again? Nope. I'm done. I knew he wasn't for me the moment I saw the guy, and that's that. Nope.

And ultimately, he's not the Brit. That's what it keeps coming down to. No one is him.

I know. I say nasty things about him on here. Oh. I can go on. And really I shouldn't, because you guys think he's a complete asshole, when in fact, half the time I'm the asshole myself.....this is the problem with these 1 sided things, and of course, I'm sure I also come off a complete loon.

Yep. Complete loon.

I told him I don't like Valentine's day. So, he said he did what he usually does, and ignored it, ie - didn't say anything to me, and naturally didn't I take that wrong? Yeah. Own fault. Egg on face time.

I can't get him out of my mind. Period. I don't know what the hell it is.

I can't wait to go back or for him to come here. I need to see him and I know the feeling is mutual.

House issue may soon be solved. Kitchen done, and a sale. That would be really good, I'll have the $$ to do the things I need to and get a job and get the hell out of the country. That would be really nice.

I still want to go. The Brit or not, I don't want to be 65 sitting on my sofa thinking "Why didn't I go?"

Yeah. I don't know much anymore.

Anyway. So that's what is going on around here. Not much and a whole hell of a lot all at the same time.

My soundtrack for this post : Amy Millan - "I'm Losin' You" & Joydrop - "Beautiful"

things I've come to realize

2010-02-14T20:14:00.002-05:00

1) I'll never leave this godforsaken country. There are so many roadblocks. Never ending roadblocks.

2) I no longer have the strength to keep fighting for what I want.

3) I can't tackle this house alone. I don't know where to start, and I don't want to start.

4) The Brit could really give a shit. I'm sure he cares in his own way, but it's not enough.

5) I generally feel invisible to the opposite sex. Which I guess, I am. Unless they're gay, then they love me :)

6) I'm not happy.

*this is brought to you by self introspection brought on by weeping, frustrations, the realization this is VDay #9 alone (I've been 5 years single, but that relationship never extended over VDay) and generally feeling like the shit on the bottom of someone's shoe

The End.

red

2010-02-14T10:51:00.001-05:00

'Nuff said.

don't worry....

2010-02-05T15:49:00.002-05:00

....I'm alive.

It's been a week and a bit, and I'm still standing. I occasionally get the urge to call and then realize she's not there anymore. That I helped empty out her apartment last week (and the rest is being done this weekend), that shortly her phone will be disconnected. That I'm wearing the ring that hadn't left her hand in over 20 years on my finger.

I'll survive. Just a bit of my heart is gone for good.

Much happening in the saga of me, just none of it anything I really want to be writing about. Photographing an artist tonight that is something I am so excited about, she's the reason I do concert photography.

And she's world famous, and her management company responded with "oh yes, we'd love for you to take photos!" (there are two types of Canadian management, those that forget their artists aren't famous outside of Canada, and those that reflect the artist's own beliefs that the small people are important too. Thank you Nettwerk :)

Supposed to do dinner with a friend and a gentleman she knows who happens to be a photographer for the Montreal newspaper. I think she was trying to fix us up, he's a nice guy....but, me with my plans etc....not sure what to think at this time. Naturally, we'll go do dinner the 3 of us, he and I have had some interesting FB convos, the photography and all, and, in a bit of "omg this world is too small" we have a friend in common.

There's also the Brit who is running cold, which he does when he gets busy (I believe the term "so fuck him" comes to mind). Engh. Whatever. Men. I can so no longer be bothered. And truly, nothing seriously huge can come from he and I if a) he doesn't make some effort on his part and b) I'm not over there, because truly, both of us are so frigging busy, we don't have a hell of a lot of opportunity to connect. My last couple weeks have been no help either. However I did have to get a new phone, so now he and I can keep in touch better.

Been too tired to do anything. Finally got a replacement contractor in to take a look at the kitchen, should have that estimate this weekend. Found out that I can take 3 days for my grandmother, stupid me, I didn't. Should have. The tiredness I'm sure has to do with the grief, I'm sort of....flat lined emotionally, really can't care about much, and the only thing that elicits much of an emotion is thinking about her.

Or anger. I'm quick to that right now. Piss me off and you'll be sorry.

Sorry to sound down, I'm not really, in fact, I can't wait to get to my concert gig tonight, and maybe out with a friend in the Village (gay village for those not in the know), hang for a few drinks with the boys, which is one of my favorite things to do EVER! Venue I'm taking shots at is in the Village so I may as well while I have opportunity!

Unless I'm too tired. We'll see.

Anyhoodles, rambling, off I go, to what I should be doing, which is work.....engh.....

oh life is ironic sometimes

2010-01-26T12:04:00.001-05:00

So I got down to see my Grannie. I cried, naturally. Met her doctor, half of her brain is dead, it's better that she go, she never wanted to live like that, she, like my mother, cousin & sister, was a nurse, and always said she never wanted to live after a stroke.

I'm going to believe that the groaning she did when I talked to her was her communication with me. My sister says she doesn't know. But when I told her it was me, she groaned, when I told her not to hang around and that it was ok to go, she groaned.

And when we told her we were leaving, her good arm whipped out of the bedsheets.

I may go back down tomorrow. If she makes it that long.

And for the ironic part of all of this, in talking to my mother last night on the way home, my sister found out that my other grandmother is going into pallative care today. We had said wouldn't it be ironic if they went on the same day. Yeah.

My grandmothers are battling to make it to the finish line.

oh no

2010-01-24T20:31:00.003-05:00

My worst fear. The thing I've worried about most of my life.

I got news that my grandmother had a stroke. Not the one dying of cancer, the other one.

It would be wrong to say I don't care about Grandma (with the cancer) but she wasn't around most of my life, and I wasn't ever terribly close to her. I went to see her before Xmas and sadly, I don't feel alot for her.

Then there's Grannie.

I know I've mentioned my mother's dislike of me a great deal of my life. For what reason, I don't even think she knows to this day.

So, my Grannie and my father did everything possible to take care of me, pay attention to me, and any and all holidays from school were spent with my Grannie, down in the eastern townships.

My Grannie has always been my best friend.

This is the day I have dreaded since I was a teenager. The realization that she would be gone when I was relatively young.

I have so many phenomenal memories of her. Of her and I, and various family members and friends, but the one person I have talked to about anything and everything, gone to with all my problems, has been Grannie. It might sound really strange, but she's my best friend. Always has been.

She's in Cowansville hospital. Unresponsive to verbal and pain stimulus. Should have gone for a CT by now. And I know, at 92, what the end result will be, and I am in so much pain right now I can't explain it.

She's the last person to say they love me.

A little note to her: Grannie, don't hang around in a coma for me, you and I both know you'd hate that. I just wish you'd hung around long enough for us to have lunch like we planned in 2 weeks, and to eat the chocolate I brought you back from
England. So I could tell you about the Brit. So I could tell you about my plans to move that you have supported so much, you're the only one that has. I love you always.

Edit: massive stroke on one side, still unresponsive. She's a dnr, so we're hoping that she either has another stroke and passes or god forbid it gets to this, she gets pneumonia. Various other heart/blood pressure things at play, that may take her also.

Still love you Grannie.

I..just...can't...

2010-01-21T11:57:00.003-05:00

What was that mention about "the winter of our discontent?"

I think this is my winter of discontent. Nothing feels right at the moment. Nothing fits. I don't fit.

As usual, life is up and down and all around, and that, in and of itself, is life. Isn't it?

My contractor has disappeared. That's because he and my colleague split up and he's punishing her by punishing me. Nice. Mature. I want a man why again? Back to the drawing board.

I've been working so much, most nights until 7, I'm still screwed up from my trip, and being sick, and now work is insane, I have photography, I have friends.

And truthfully, none of it is fulfilling me right now. I'm not sure what end is up.

While seeing/being with the Brit seemed like a good idea at the time...it's driven home to me that I'm here, he's there, and who knows what will happen in between. And I miss him.

Money. Oh money. I'm trying to sell things, and people are being cheap bastard f*cks about it. I know what these things are worth, I overprice them purposely so we can work down to what I want really, don't try to bring me down to less, as though I'm desperate. I want to sell, I want the $$ so I can get my visa for the UK, but dammitall, you're not getting these items for free, end of.

Being overseas was idyllic. No pain in the ass animals (I'm having major problems with a dog, I have some very tough decisions to make concerning him), no friends irritating me, the man I have a thing for within commuting distance, on the other end of a phone without a huge expense, no belongings to worry about, a house to worry about...nothing....and I want that. Ok not the pets....those I have for their life, I just want a life over there, a life that's a bit simpler then the one I have here, although I'm not sure that is definitely going to happen.

The frustrations I'm feeling are incredible right now. NOt that I hate my life, don't get me wrong, if nothing else, I know in alot of ways I'm blessed, I just want what I want. And now. And it's frustrating me to no end.

Anyway. Enough of my complaining.

Saw a C130 Hercules from the Canadian military go by the window here at work this morning, and I cried, knowing it has come from Haiti, bringing back broken individuals, either physically or mentally, who've come from a worse place then I can even imagine, a place I am all except financially incapable of helping.

If I liked kids, I'd adopt one. There are an awful lot of broken families down there....

Anyway. Back to work. Live to work or work to live, I know which one I'm feeling right at this moment....

welcome home

2010-01-11T13:27:00.002-05:00

Ahhhh, so for those of you not in the email or FB know (which, I know, isn't many), I got home last Wednesday night, the snow storm in the UK helped me along, the flight into Ottawa was empty due to the many cancelled flights into Heathrow, and so, I sat and cried all the way back to Canada.

I know alot of people around me thought I was crying at the movie I was watching, but I know it was because I was heading back to the life I've tired of, away from the man I have a thing for, and don't know when I'll get back to the country I'd like to make my own.

Ironic I have snow to thank for my return, considering it's one of the things I hate about living in Canada. That and the bitter cold, which reared it's ugly head the minute I made it back to the country.

I ended up in Ottawa airport for 5 hours, my flight naturally misconnected with the flight into Montreal, so I had to wait for the later one. All fine as my dad was working at the airport and I got to sit and have a chat with him. For those not in the know, my dad is the parent I get along with, although we periodically have a love/hate he and I. Not purposely of course. I adore him. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have gotten through most of my childhood.

By the time I got home, it was 8:30 pm, I had been up since 1:30 am local time....I was tired, and I had 3 feet of snow to shovel out of my driveway, and a job to go to the next morning, as well as animals that wouldn't leave me the hell alone (all I wanted was to be left alone). God bless my friend J for coming to pick me up at the airport, as well as shovel the lion's share of my driveway for me because, in her words, she was awake, I looked sick and exhausted.

That's because, of course, I've returned with a huge cold. Which is suspect has turned into at least bronchitis, at most pneumonia. This based on the pain in my lung. Joy oh bliss. Welcome home.

Had a good and yet horrible weekend. Unfortunately had a bad friend experience. Someone's birthday, my friend who is no longer a friend was invited, there are 2 of us that she won't go near, my friend S and I (oh because she stole S's boyfriend, but that's another story altogether), and the rest of our friends, although they hate this woman, well, they cowtow to her because she's got a habit of making a scene, and that left S & I alone for most of the evening.

Good to know who your friends are eh? This woman has lied to, lied about, spoken behind the backs of, all these people, and yet, there they were laughing and bullshitting with her. All with exception of one of the boyfriends, who adores S & I, he hung with us because "you guys are more fun anyway".

It was hard. And I vow to go to nothing that everyone is invited to ever again. Period.

So. back to work I go. Sigh.

trapped, well, kinda

2010-01-05T16:06:00.002-05:00

So, I write this from lovely London.

What? you ask...."I thought she was coming back on the weekend" you think to yourself.....

Well yes, as did I. However, the standby Gods had other ideas and I am indeed still stuck here. I went 2 days in a row, and nothing. This doesn't mean I'm only trying to get into Montreal, oh no, I'm trying to get into Eastern Canada!

And tonight, 30 cms of snow for London expected.

OH MY GOD!!!!!

Yeah.

Sooooo....

I will re-add the Brit to my good things about 2009....momentary loss of mine, aka I was a bit pissed off. Things with him have been good for the most part, but he's male, and essentially took a bit to think and then came back to me with a "it's my fault, I know....you don't have to say". A man who admits when he's in the wrong is in my view, a good thing. Neither of us is the best communicator, but as we have discussed, we're learning. Both of us. We'll see how this lasts when we can call each other less.....yikes....it's nice to pick up the mobile and say "what do you want to do at weekend?".

It's almost like the country doesn't want me to return. As much as I'd love to stay here, I haven't gotten that visa, I have a job, I have a house, and my pets....

I lost a hammie while I've been gone. I'm very sad. Very.

I've had a wonderful time. I love it here. I do never want to leave, and if nothing else, I swear I will live over here by the middle of the year, latest. Only new year resolution I'll allow.

And now I think it'll be bedtime, I am getting sick...natch....so I can be just that much more miserable to be back in snowy, cold, hellish Canada!

revision

2010-01-03T02:26:00.001-05:00

We'll put hooking up with the brit under the "bad" heading for 2009 shall we?

I'd like to thank him personally for starting my 2010 off horribly.

may this be a better year

2009-12-31T17:52:00.002-05:00

Looking back over it, I didn't really have the happiest of years.

Started in January

Last New Years, where I found our Jam Flirt had a girlfriend, heartbreak to start the year. Have I mentioned that they are pregnant? It's a miracle baby, and they're happy, so I'm not about to fault them for it at all. Maybe Jam Flirt will become a responsible human from this.

Then I fell and badly damaged my knee, which hasn't recovered completely since. Oh the pain on my way over here last week.

First cold of so damned many last year. Seriously sick of being sick.

The cold in the hell hole we call Montreal. Last winter was wicked. And then the horrible heat & humidity during the summer. Absolute hell.

My friend M's apartment building burned down.

Money & work stress. And lots of it.

The end of a long term friendship, a bad, horrible end, not caused by me, caused by her and her new boyfriend, who had been dating another friend when they got together. May karma kick them both in the arse.

My colleague's stroke at the young age of 52. She'll never return to work, and because she tried to do too much, she broke her hip a month ago. I feel terrible for her.

Much trouble from my family because I want to move to the UK.

Got the H1N1 virus and thought I was going to die.

Found out I can't work for my company in the UK, they already hired someone back in July and didn't bother telling me.

My grandmother is dying of cancer. Very sudden to us, considering that she's probably had it for years and the no good doctor in Ontario never looked into it.

My bathroom flooded my kitchen, and the insurance company refuses to pay.

Problems with my middle sister.

Many hamster deaths over the past year. And one mouse. And my cat that dropped dead the day I left for England in September.

Dog-walker hell pre London trip #2.

There were good things too.

Like jam nights. Oh we had a hell of a lot of fun.

I attended Technodoll's wedding, where I met her and Vegas and Prin!

Got my first singing gig in years (3 last year actually).

I saved my friend M's hamster from the fire in her apartment.

Met my Molly and adopted her. Same for my Tao. Now they're a bunny-loving couple.

Much photography, and a few break thrus in terms of famous-ness of my subjects.

Helped in 2 seizures for the SPCA.

The Brit and I hooked up after 15 years.

Decided to live my lifelong dream, and move to the UK.

Did alot of volunteering (breast cancer walk and my tenure at the SPCA)

Flew over to the UK. And had a wonderful time.

Came back, and had a free apartment to boot.

I try so hard to be positive. I really do. And it's just not working for me at all...I don't get it.

I have to just try to believe that the next year will be better. It *has* to be better, doesn't it?

They say that the way you end the year is the same way you'll end the next year. Does that mean I'm stuck in a rut forever, alone on New Years? Always and forever?

God I hope not.

Here's to 2010 being better. Please?

:-)

2009-12-29T19:19:00.001-05:00

I never want to leave here.

*sigh*

my temporary abode

2009-12-27T20:35:00.007-05:00

Just a few pics to illustrate my cute little temporary abode. It's the top of an old house, condo that my friend & fiance rent. 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms. Cutest little kitchen ever, a million times better than mine and a 1/4 of the size!

This is the view from the window in the living/dining room into the backyard, you can see the other houses around. The one thing that this illustrates, and that really makes me like the UK more and more, is that this is downtown, West end but downtown London all the same, and look at all the green and trees. You don't find that at home, in Montreal we have a "paved paradise and put up a parking lot" situation happening. And it really pisses me off. They seem to find the balance here. Beautiful window eh?

It's very bright in here during the day, they have skylights that face the street, but all you see is the tile roof, and sky....it's quite lovely.

This is the little galley kitchen, and I love it. I do not, however, love the little fridge freezer. I have enough food in it for me, 2 bottles wine and a bottle of cider, but that's it. Nothing like my 17 cubic foot fridge freezer at home, whcih is considered small.

And this is me trying to get a shot of the ceiling in the livingroom/dining room area, because it's all angled due to the dormer windows and the roof and everything. Please ignore my mess....

And this is the bedroom I'm staying in. My friends don't have alot of stuff, most of this is from the owner of the condo, very common to get furnished rental units here. Again, ignore my disaster....I'm a messy person and I hadn't neatened from last night...yeah...

So there you have it, I haven't taken a photo of outside, I'm not sure the other tenants would appreciate it!

My little temporary home away from home!

I'm hhheeeeerrreee!

2009-12-26T18:25:00.002-05:00

So I got here first try. Flew economy class, stuffed like a sardine into a center seat (I hate not being able to see out of the plane, hate it, I need to see wing or an engine or something....and when I land ... well let's just say I was driving my fellow passenger crazy craning to see what was sitting on the ground at the airport. I'm insane.

But, to quote the guy from Air Canada who gave me my seat, it's all about getting a seat on that flight, the Paris flight was way overbooked and they were offering to move people via London, and I was worried I wouldn't get on at all, but voila, a seat was there for me!

So I arrived in the dark. It is dark late here, til almost 8 am - gets dark at about 3 pm, bit more than at home. Waited FOREVER to get thru customs (about 45 minutes), I fondly remember the days when Canada was in the line indicated "UK & Commonwealth countries" and I used to laugh at the Americans. Now, I'm in the line with them and just about anyone else that isn't from business class or the European Community. Sigh.

Get down to the Heathrow trains and find out the one I need is NOT running, apparently just about nothing is running, including tubes and busses...would have cost me £18 to Paddington and then about £50 to the flat from there, so I opted for £50 from Heathrow to the flat. Damn. And that's with no traffic.

There's no snow on the ground here, not a stitch, it had been raining a bit, I was tired, and cranky (no sleep on the flight, my knees ached the entire time and I was uncomfy), and weak...due to no breakfast (a muffin and a coffee does not breakfast make, but I fly cheap and dinner was good so let's not complain too much right?)and exhaustion from dragging my bags around for 1/2 an hour into the bus station and then back again (bus & tube are below another terminal....there are 5 at Heathrow). 6 flights of stairs, trying not to cry, I got into the flat.

The flat is very sweet, I'll take a few photos tomorrow, it's dark now (it is almost midnight), and in my opinion rather large for a west London flat (2 bedrooms and decent sized ones).

The heating situation. My friend warned me I wouldn't be able to figure it out. And I can't. I have absolutely no idea what in hell. I know how to turn it on, but I have no clue how to keep it on. It's gas, it also heats the hot water, which is upon demand. Also very bizarre for me! I'm used to just turning the damned thing on and having hot water from the 60 gallon tank downstairs in my basement!

So, I think I've gotten used to freezing. I guess it's the damp, because I'm wearing an open fall jacket outside (sweater underneath yes), but need a sweater and a blankie in here. I'll ask the Brit to take a look and explain when he gets here.

There are 2 bathrooms in this 2 bedroom flat. Well, one water closet (toilet & sink only), and one full bathroom, also with a toilet. I find that very bizarre, although I do understand the concept, and my friend says it's useful when her fiance goes for a "constitutional". Aka she doesn't have to wait forever, nor die of the residual fumes!

Grocery shopping. I had bacon for dinner Xmas day. And yogurt and papadum crisps. It's all I could get. But that's ok! The stove is in celcius...bizarre, had to Google it....

The place I wanted to shop, Iceland, was closed today, it's the cheapest joint, so I had to shop at 3 different places. I had to go back for eggs. That would be because I couldn't find any. Why? They are on the shelf beside the cereal, not in the refrigerated section. How bizarre. Had noticed that my friend had hers out on the counter here (but they are past date - each eggy stamped with a best before date), and I had to actually ask at Sainsbury where the hell they were, and the guy looked at me like I was nuts looking in the fridge section.

Bizarre.

Electricity. I went to put the recycling downstairs, and it was past dark. You have to turn the hallways lights on. They don't stay on all the time here, only long enough for me to get from the 3rd floor down to the main floor, then I had to turn them back on to get back up. Well, or kill myself.

So, on that note, I am tucked in on the sofa, and think another cup of tea is in order. My friend has the best kettle, ready in under 5 mins. If I wouldn't have to buy it a plug for Canada, I'd bring one home!

And that is it for now!

Watching "Law & Order SVU" - cuz it's only American on the tube tonight!

gack!

2009-12-23T11:06:00.002-05:00

My dog walker backed out on me at the last minute.

What in hell am I going to do now?

Hopefully my kind neighbour will do this for me, if I pay her. And her daughter.

OH THE STRESS!

listening to: "The Boxer" Simon & Garfunkle

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2009-12-22T15:35:00.001-05:00

This is a flyby screaming.....

I am still the only standby listed for the flight. Shhhhhhhhh or all the others from Friday and Saturday might find out.

Keep all your appendages crossed for me that I get on .

I need this more than I can tell anyone.

panic-stricken in Montreal

2009-12-21T07:51:00.002-05:00

So. I panic I won't get on my flight.

I panic the house isn't clean.

I panic I haven't done everything I need to for the animals.

I panic.

Welcome to the "pre-London trip" panic-fest!

And PS. They got f-ing snow in London. A whole centimeter. And they're now panic-stricken.

Time to feed the mouse, he's talking to me.....Henri tells me when he's run out of food with little mousey chirps.

I am losing it aren't I?

Listening to: "It Snowed" - Meaghan Smith

andddddddddddddddddd.........

2009-12-17T14:30:00.002-05:00

British Airways got a court injunction, there will be no strike during the holiday season.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPPPYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Listening to: "Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor" - Flight of the Conchords

there's always got to be a wrench, man....

2009-12-15T20:31:00.002-05:00

So because we wouldn't want anything to go well for myself, new twist in the tale of a trip to London over the holidays is the British Airways flight attendants deciding that the holidays was an EXCELLENT time to go on stike.

How does this affect me you ask?

I'm flying standby with Air Canada. The only other airline leaving Montreal for London. And now my flights both in and out are full.

I'd leave on the 24th, except that I don't think my friend's neighbors want me knocking on their door on Christmas day. At 8-9 am because the flight is always early from Montreal. Tail winds.

Sigh.

Keep your fingers crossed they legislate them to stay working.

And not just for me, they're idiots. They're all almost out of jobs. They do this to BA, and they can kiss the airline right into bankruptcy that it won't be able to get out of.

Sweet.

Listening to: "Electric Twist" - A Fine Frenzy
"Never Look Back" - Blue Rodeo

life with a soundtrack

annnnddd

rambling post of annoyance

new year

are we done yet?

people

what to do

long overdue ramblings

welcome to the complaint department.

Canadian, Please

feelin' the heat

rewind

call me little miss neglectful

what am I doing?

my life recently in bullet form

yeah yeah yeah

status quo

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

updates & crap

post-date

wee!

house hell

it is what it is

let's say goodbye to this godforsaken year

choices

is it over yet?

lonelies

and so it goes

wishes

I am old part 1 million

changes

One Match

this n' that (a bit ranty, warning)

and so it continues

I'm trying!

*bark*

endless

where my brain's at

status quo

holy good god

stress 1 : myself 0

stagnant

a smaller head

there's nothing I love more....

life

and so....

awake

rough

things I shouldn't do

life

ABC's of me

yep

concentrated

phew!

yet another reminder

confusion reigns

here we go again

further update

and still...

update

fog clearing?

the mystery woman

summary?

and

okey okey

and so that's passed

what the hell?

family & why I hate them

a little light....

no pain no gain?

the latest

status quo?

I'm just so....

happy?

I know I know I know!!!!

things I've come to realize

red

don't worry....

oh life is ironic sometimes

oh no

bark